My purest wings for you
by Haziel
Summary: Nothing as contagious as humanity! As choice collides with fate the many characters of Evangelion are forced to take hold of their life in a new direction - one of their choice. CHAPTER 7 UP! [shonenai, KxS]
1. Tattered paper, Tainted evening

Warning: Not much for this one chapter… a bit shonen-ai perhaps… but I did warn you. Oh yes… Shinji agonizes himself for his actions… but what else is new?

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and I do not make any money of this.

Chapter 1

Tattered paper/ Tainted evening

_Sorry about leaving without warning you but you were sleeping and I had a thing I had to do. I really enjoyed last night and all… don't take the talk that seriously, I was sleepy and I say stupid things when I'm sleepy… we'll talk about that later. Anyway, we'll see each other later I hope. I feel really well near you and I hope we could do this again… skip the self pitying part… promise._

_Shinji_

That was probably the most stupid thing he had ever done, Shinji thought. There was no need to leave the paper… firstly it wasn't like they had anything planned for the morning so he wouldn't be skipping anything. But the thought of Kaworu waking up to find the mattress next to him empty with no explanation… Shinji didn't want him to get the wrong idea (although he wasn't sure what the good idea was). He really liked being with him… maybe too much. The second thing was how he made the excuse seem so made up that not even he could believe… but he had a good reason; he just didn't feel comfortable telling it to Kaworu. And then there was the third thing about writing the paper… which was the final statement he wrote… and if it hadn't been so difficult writing it he would have erased it and tried to rewrite in a less vague way (which was impossible since his own thoughts about what he should write were very vague).

Anyway; stupid or not he had to write it… not because he felt an explanation was needed; it was more of an assurance. That was it… Shinji was trying to make sure that Kaworu understood that he had liked the time he had spent with the older boy. Even after the bath scene (which still grinded Shinji's mind with improper thoughts… and doubts) and the way he always spoke so distantly and in riddles that you didn't know if it was his fault or yours for not understanding; he had really come to enjoy his company… he felt quite inhibited, a thing that Shinji rarely felt. And it was perhaps that inhibition that had caused the abrupt ending of the night before… and the worst part was he had really meant everything he had said.

* * *

Shinji was mesmerized… in the few hours he had spent talking with the red eyed boy he had revealed more to his life than after a year living with Misato. He had only been this confident and sincere with Ayanami… Shinji fought those thoughts trying to ward off the demons that lay waiting in his mind… at least for this night he wanted to be sane (at least as sane as he could be). But that didn't explain why he was so eager to share the story of his life with Kaworu.

_Why am I telling him all of this…?_

Shinji looked over to the bed next to his and froze at the sudden red glowing gaze that met his shy blue one. Kaworu was looking directly at him, intent on establishing visual contact. That was a bit too intimate for the young boy, making his cheeks blush lightly… and yet he did not back off or avert the stare; he was too enraptured with Kaworu's expression. He was smiling… but the way his expression was you could bet that he would start crying at any given time, and there was a significant trace of longing for in his eyes. The silence grew longer and Shinji's awkwardness intensified… the more he looked at Kaworu's red eyes the more he wished they were closer (closer… a thing that went against Shinji's every instinct). It was Kaworu who broke the silence, but if Shinji had known what he was about to say…

"I think I was born to meet you…"

The younger boy gasped as reality broke right before his eyes leaving two glowing red eyes focused on his own. His blush brightened the red colour now spreading to his nose as well. That was another thing about Kaworu that mesmerized Shinji… his ability to like him; it dulled all his old instincts… it made him believe in chance. The young boy stirred and tried to speak but his mouth refused to emit any sound opening and closing as if gasping for breath. Kaworu moved in his bed closer to Shinji slowly stretching his arm to touch him.

"I mean… I don't think it is coincidence that I have met you here… I really think I was born to be close to you…"

Kaworu's hand took Shinji's own in the same manner he had in the shower: warm, possessive and restraining. It spoke to Shinji in many levels; spoke of poetry; romance in a way it made it sound so attainable; human beauty with Kaworu's skin and contours haunting Shinji since the time he had stared and stared and tried not to seem interested… but it also ordered Shinji in a very dark and hidden level. Shinji reacted a little too late to make it seem he hadn't liked the contact… he retreated from Kaworu's touch as if trying to run away. Kaworu reacted by getting even closer to Shinji with a worried look.

"Is there something a matter Shinji?"

Shinji broke their eye contact and looked down with a guilty expression. "It's nothing… it's just that saying that… saying you want to be close to me… saying that it was your fate to be close to me…"

"Yes…?"

Shinji looked back at Kaworu with a blank expression but the tears forming on the rim of his eyes denounced his true feelings at that moment. "Saying that it's…it's such a c-cruel thing to say…"

Kaworu furrowed his brows not understanding the young boy's reaction. "What do…?"

"Everyone who I've ever met…" Shinji cut him off, his speech coming out coldly "… everyone who I've ever met… became related to… cared for. They were hurt and I've become hurt by our relationship. Everyone who I've come to be close to has suffered. So when you say you were born to meet me… to be close to me… what are you saying?"

"I meant to say that I think I was born tobe near you and inlove with you…"

Shinji gasped… those words… he had heard them already that same day coming from the same person. They stung numbing all his reactions; he couldn't do anything to stop the reaction; it was like honey dripping down his spine and a fire burning in his chest as if he had drunk something from Misato's glass (strange experience… too many side effects). Beyond him was the right expression. But he continued relentlessly.

"So you're saying you were born to suffer and hurt me… isn't that a cruel thing to say?"

Kaworu stopped trying to come close to the young boy… how could words hurt him so much? God's own avenger defeated by mere reasoning… he returned to his bed turning his back to Shinji.

"Sleep well Shinji-kun…"

"Oyasumi Kaworu-kun…"

* * *

Shinji sighed trying to find a reason for his actions… why had he said that? He knew he had probably hurt the older boy… he didn't want him to suffer but… Kaworu was… a stranger; that was the word… he had known him for less than a week and there he was writing him an apology and asking him to see him again.

_It almost sounds like I want to go out with him…_

The thought was supposed to be funny… but Shinji blushed as he contemplated the possibility of a date with the grey haired boy; candle light, good food, nice and soft breeze… Kaworu holding han...

The young boy shrugged anddeleted those strange wonderings off his mind. He sighed and folded the small paper and placed it in the small table of Kaworu's entrance; he hadn't bothered to look at the rest of the flat, there was no need. He was going for the door handle and paused for a moment and grabbed the paper from the table.

_Might as well make sure this is the first thing he sees… don't want him to worry_…

He walked silently to Kaworu's living room not wanting to wake him, trying not to wake the older boy up… the moment he arrived at the room he could feel his blush forming as he stared at the sleeping youth… the world "beautiful" popped up in his head and it was all he could think as his mind melted at sudden feelings he wasn't used to feel. All he could do was gawk at him his body curled around a pillow his long arms hugging it closely against his body, his face was nuzzled against it and a thin fragile smile crossed his lips. Shinji gulped at a sudden mental image…

_Wish I was that p…_

Shinji shook his head… that way lay madness. Unable to fight the glowing red colour climbing his face, Shinji breathed deeply and went closer to the bed, his arm stretched out to place the paper on the pillow (a bit unnecessary since he could place it by the bed table... but let's help Shinji in his self denial andpretend he just wanted to leave the paper where Kaworu would find it)… he placed his knee on the bed for support trying not to wake the other boy up.

"Hmm… Shinji, is that you?" Kaworu woke up and quickly stood up to sit in bed, his eyes still drowsy.

"Kaworu… I-I… AAAH…"

The dark haired boy lost balance and fell face-first onto Kaworu's lap. He came up as quickly as he could (which wasn't that fast since Shinji didn't quite grasp the whole time-distortion/embarrassment effect…) blushing crimson and trying to pull himself under enough control not to seem pleased… in which he failed utterly, a smile threatening to form on the borders of his lips.

_Darn it, darn it, darn it..._

Shinji remembered he was not alone and quickly jumped out of bed.

"I'm really sorry Kaworu I was just checking… I was going out and just wanted to leave you this..." Kaworu quicklyinterrupted Shinji taking his hand.

"You're going out? Isn't it a bit early?" The pleading was shamefully obvious. "You should at least have breakfast… it would at least not make me feel like a bad host…"

"I-It's just a thing I have to do… we'll see each other later today, ok?"

Kaworu's eyes widened and he gave a hesitant, almost defeated nod. Shinji nodded back and started to walk away as Kaworu reluctantly let go of his arm. The moment he exited the bedroom's door he shook his head… still the intoxicating odour lingered. He walked through the hall and went for the doorknob. He grabbed it.

"Shinji wait…"

The younger boy gasped as a pair of hands took hold of his arms, restraining him; he didn't hear him approaching, let alone have time enough to react. Kaworu's breath wafted through his hair, tickling his ear. The hands motioned Shinji closer against the older boy's body, but only slightly living the choice up to Shinji.

_I musn't run... I musn't run... I musn't..._

"Tell me Shinji…" Kaworu's calm but warm tone vibrated against Shinji's right ear revealing how truly close they were to each other.

"Hmm…?" The questioning snivel was all that the dark haired boy could utter. Kaworu's right hand descended in a small caress to hold his hand, making Shinji shiver… it was like warm ice.

"Tell me… does it hurt you? Does it hurt you if I hold you like this?" Kaworu's finger's entwined with Shinji's.

The boy slowly turned around to meet the warm and comforting intent look of the red eyed boy waiting for an answer… yet hoping for the answer to be at least self-explanatory. Shinji's other hand released the door handle and slowly came to meet Kaworu's hand by his arm… just one moment of weakness… letting his guard down… letting chance decide. Kaworu's hand involuntarily flinched and that tripped something in Shinji's mind… he stopped his hand's course bring it back to the door handle.

"It hurts if you let go." He turned the knob and exited leaving Kaworu by the door, speechless.

The boy looked down at the hand that had been holding Shinji's… there was a small piece of paper. He read attentively trying to find an answer. As he finished reading it he suppressed the tears. He looked up to the ceiling as if there was something else there.

_It's not my choice if I should let go off him or not… is it Father?_

He couldn't fight the tears no longer… the angel cried.


	2. Redemption, God hath no fury

**Warning**: Hint of shonen, a possession case (don't worry... you'll figure it out in the end)... I guess Kaworu could be blamed for heresy.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the characters and do not make any money or profit from this.

Is there someone out there? Please... they have me trapped and won't let me go until I finish writing this.

"Would you kindly go back to your work... you know you want to. Now... you mentioned a chocolate fondue scene?"

"Hmm Kaworu... isn't that a tad too much?"

"Don't worry Shinji. I'll be the dipped one."

"Oh... in that case... WRITE!"

HELP ME!

* * *

Chapter 2

Redemption/ God hath no fury

Hear… hear the sound of waves coming and going; the water grinding against sand… hear. Now smell… let the salty essence travelling in the breeze fill you; take deep breaths and find the many varieties of smell there are… smell. Drop your hand to the ground, let your fingers play with the sand, the small particles going beneath your nails; feel the small stones hidden in the sand. Open your mouth… taste the salty wind combined with the slightest edge of engine exhaust. Open you eyes now… the first flashes of light blind you; get used to the light until you start to make out the view before you; now stare out at the shimmering mirror of water letting the reddening light of the falling sun be reflected in small pools of light, shifting continuously. Let your senses be filled.

Kaworu proceeded to do all of these steps like a ritual.

_The senses... human kind is so unaware of all its blissful gifts._

He had never gotten quite used to all the explosion the senses gave him… he was always surprised how people didn't just pass out at the superb (and sometimes horrible) sensations they were exposed to. He looked out at the lake… he got the information that the lake was done by the last angel attack taking out most of the valley and opening and entrance for the rising sea water to enter and fill the crater joining the other two craters created by earlier angel attacks. Kaworu smiled and proffered a quiet inner chuckle.

_Ah… Armisael… always trying to complete at least a task, trying not to seem like you failed._

He looked up at the sky… the blue firmament was slowly being covered by a yellow colour denouncing the end of the day. And should he be well succeeded in his task… the end of humanity. His expression changed from serene to tortured… he would be the one who would finish off mankind…

"Must we really end it… must we really deny them of existence?"

A small breeze lifted from the lake as if an answer… the boy closed his eyes and you could almost make out a nod in his movement… he brought his arms to his knees, bringing them to his chest. He shivered.

"Why punish them this way… they punish themselves enough. I don't… I-I don't want to do it. I don't know what I want to do…" His voice began to near a pleading. "I never thought I would know what being human is… they are so fragile… not only to the exterior but to themselves. I have seen what they can do to themselves… I see they can be giving… they can take things from themselves to give to others. They bear the miracle of empathy… they can suffer with another's suffering; they can rejoice with another's happiness… they can understand. They are… contagious… their feelings are transmitted like windborne germs… I myself have become contaminated. And it's a beautiful thing."

Small clouds began forming at the edge of the lake; the soft breeze began blowing more aggressively; the sky darkened almost imperceptibly. The boy stretched his arms to the sky, hands raised as if trying to show something.

"They can give so much… and take so much. They have such great capacity for joy. They're flawed… but isn't that the reason they were created? To evolve around their flaws… and isn't it the fact that they're flawed that makes them so perfect?"

The air began to agitate around the boy and the sand began to form shapes around him… the water closest to him began to tremble with waves forming and breaking in an array of foam and water. The small clouds in the sky began to converge over him slowly turning into what appeared to be a small tornado.

"Haven't they suffered enough… hasn't he suffered enough?" A huge gust blew against the boy lifting his hair… his expression was one of pain and sadness, yet there was no fear towards the supernatural display.

"I know all is prepared!" He exclaimed to the rushing wind, small spirals of sand forming around him, the clouds were now descending in a circular motion "I know it will be complete… the judgement man has escaped will be sentenced. But must it really come to this… for thousands of years they were forgiven… why now? Now that they are so hurt and injured… how can we hold man for his actions when he has been driven to this? How can we blame him for a crime he doesn't even know to have committed… isn't love what we have to give him? Weren't you supposed to be all loving, Father?"

The wind stopped blowing and the scenery quickly resumed his most usual setting… all that was left was a small phrase written in the sand… unreadable unless you knew Aramaic. Kaworu watched the lines and looked up once more to the skies. He whispered silently.

"Please Father… don't make me hurt him… don't make me leave him." He crouched as if in pain, weeping.

* * *

_Pathetic… one would think the final messenger would at least have the dignity to deliver the message._

Beyond reality as we know it… in a dimension where space doesn't matter, yet time passes as normal… a figure watches slowly. He is Choice… or better yet… he who makes sure choices are made… causality one might say. And right now an extremely hard choice had to be made… and the one who had to make it was weakening. Undecided about the fate of mankind… now that was unheard of… Tabris had to decide.

You could almost here a distinct sigh from the figure… causality had to be respected more than God's will. God's was simply a moral law, therefore it was not an obligation… and if the Creator wanted his will to be respected he should have sent a less noble creature like one of those mindless slaves he used instead of Tabris, the angel of Free Will.

That was Tabris… take awesome powers, add freedom of choice and irregular orientations and you had he most powerful and weakest of angels.

Although… the situation had great possibilities either way… what else would you expect from the omniscient one? But Tabris still had to make a choice. Two options… it was up to Tabris. The Creator had washed his hands on the matter… let humankind in the hands of a testosterone-controlled young man (even though it was Tabris… he was still partly human). It was up to the angel to make the choice… so you could say that the Great Architect had left Choice in charge.

The figure watched himself in a mirror that had appeared from nowhere. The least you could say about human bodies... they were quite maneuverable. Still, it was awkward for an ethereal being to gain a physichal appearance... it was too restricting. But he was in the realm of Physic... therefore he had to respect the coordinates. At least this body was willing enough...

_Hmm… if a choice must be made… let's make it an interesting one._

And so… with weave of his powers and a flick at reality… he started it… let causality start in motion.

* * *

Shinji walked away from school… no classes due to mass destruction which resulted in the school becoming a heap of rubble; which led to the reason as to why he was walking away from school. He had to go down there… it was the only place where he could say he had found friends. They were gone now… Hikari, Kensuke and Toji… all of them were gone. He knew he still had people with him… but Asuka was catatonic and no matter how many times he visited her it made no difference (he actually missed the shrieking voice calling him a pervert); Misato was obviously depressed and confused and that made Shinji uncomfortable around her (even if the advance she made on him hadn't been enough); and there was Ayanami… but the recent revelations had made her a subject to disturbing for Shinji to face. So he visited the school everyday so that he could at least have some nostalgic notion of what it was like when his life wasn't completely cursed. Besides… it wasn't that what Shinji was thinking about right then.

_I think I was born to meet you…_

Shinji grinned imperceptibly… he turned the words secretly in his head… and no matter how you put them they still sounded like probably one of the most wonderful things anyone had ever told him… if not the most wonderful.

_I'm saying I love you._

And then there were those words. The young boy looked down and blushed alone as if he was ashamed just to think of them, as if they were a sin. They had to be sin… words shouldn't feel so good. Yet he thought of them… and every time he did he always felt the same warmth in his chest; it was like a small heat balloon hidden inside him. Yet… he did react to them the way he had; he had shunned the one who had said the words. Because they couldn't be true… or at least couldn't be true for long. With that thought the balloon was gone and the grin became a grim. Shinji kicked a stone on the ground.

_**Flick at reality…**_

A strange wind blew and the stone was lifted from the earth hitting a tree; a flock of small birds fled their nests in an array of feathers and chirps. Shinji watched as they flew off, regretting having kicked the stone surprised at his strength. He watched as the birds flew in the direction of the lake… the colour of the sky already reddening and the setting sun reminded him of the first time he…

He guessed it would be alright to visit the lake… for the sake of nostalgia…

* * *

_For the sake of nostalgia… baka, baka, baka, baka…_

The whole very romantic ideal to go visit the lake for old (actually very new) memories, had become quite the stupid thing as Shinji scoured through the small amount of plants, rubble and ruins that laid between him and the target. Right now he had tripped more than once on a vine (to his shame the same vine over and over again), hurt himself in the kneecap and was bruised in various and somewhat strange places of his body.

_Could have just gone to NERV HQ but no… you wanted to remember how you felt when you first met him; you had to become undecided about liking someone._

The thought caught him off-guard and Shinji was surprised about what he had just been wondering. He kicked a few pebbles off his way remembering how they could be tricky when you stepped on them. Was he undecided… and if he was; what was he undecided about?

_Kaworu…? Nah… couldn't be. It's not like you can't be influenced by someone you've just met two days ago. But if that's true… why is it so hard to believe in it? It couldn't happen to me… I never would…_

Shinji's thoughts were suddenly brought to an abrupt stop when he was confronted with the view of the lake… it spread in front of him like a giant pool of wine. It was breathtaking… the dark haired boy inhaled deeply taking in the soft salty air inside his lungs. He heaved a happy and relaxed sigh; there was no need to think here. Just enjoying the slow rhythm of the rushing waves, coming, going, coming, going…

A strange sound brought the boy to attention… whimpering, gulping; no, crying. There was a distinct yet quiet crying sound coming away from a few dunes. Shinji hesitated in investigating, knowing how people could react when in a fragile state. Curiosity got the best of him though and he proceeded slowly towards the sound…it became clearer a he got closer; it was a male crying. He got to the top of the last dune and peeked carefully to the other side… he gasped.

_Kaworu!_

There was no doubt about it… the boy crouched and whimpering was Kaworu. Shinji fought the urge to rush to him to see what the matter was, but the boy's more careful nature allowed him only a few steps forward. He gulped and asked in a somewhat sheepish tone.

"Kaworu… is that you? Is something the matter?"

The crying boy quickly came to a halt. "Shinji…?"

He turned his head to the younger boy and suddenly something clinched inside his conscience. Shinji became aware that he was the centre of the red eyed boy's attention and backed away a step not knowing what to say next.

"Shinji… oh, Shinji!"

There was a mere fraction of a second between the time Kaworu got up and the moment he was standing right next to Shinji, which could have brought quite a few interesting questions like: how could someone move so fast; how hadn't Kaworu twisted something by getting up straight so fast; why didn't he even have the chance to breath; why did it seem that Kaworu didn't even touch the ground while moving? All interesting questions… but Shinji wasn't even able to come up with them since his mind had turned into some sort of subconscious putty the moment Kaworu had put his arms around him and brought him close to his body.

"I won't do it Shinji… never, do you hear me, never!" The older boy sobbed frantically to Shinji's ears.

The younger boy tried to react but all that he was able to do was rest his hand on Kaworu's back, stroking him, comforting the sobbing figure. He talked in a much sweeter tone than what he was used to use, making it seem out of character. "D-do what Kaworu?"

"Hurt you… leave you… I'll never do it! Never…"

Shinji reacted reflexively and backed away from Kaworu's embrace, looking flabbergasted at the older boy. He was going to run; at least that's what part of him told him to do… but he didn't. He tried to make up something suitable to say in that situation, but it came out involuntarily.

"Never…?"

Kaworu seemed to relax; his puffy eyes softened and a smile returned to his lips where (in Shinji's point of view) it belonged. He walked slowly this time up to Shinji; each step making the younger boy blush. His arms came around him gently and closed little by little until they were locked in a soft hold… finding no resistance, he brought Shinji closer to his embrace letting him bring his arms around him; when he didn't, Kaworu brought his face closer to the other boy's ears, nuzzling them with his nose… meanwhile Shinji tried to gather the strength to say something but was only able to gulp at the sudden soft cuddle Kaworu offered him. The older boy whispered reassuringly, a hand now playing with Shinji's bushy hair.

"Never…"

Shinji never thought it would feel so good to hear that word. That reassurance; it was so good… it fuelled the fire inside his chest threatening to consume him. He felt the sudden urge to ask him again, just to be sure it wasn't a dream, but the presence of Kaworu's slender body so close to him made him yearn for something else. Reacting purely out of instinct, Shinji brought his arms around the taller boy's body and rested his head on the crane of his neck… he sighed as if some awful weight had been lifted from him.

And then Shinji's consciousness came back… the first thing he wondered was who was comforting who; next, he notice how terribly close they were to each other; then, there was the dreadful realization that he had come to his senses inches from giving the older boy a small peck on the cheek. He exploded jumping away from him "I'm sorry Kaworu… I didn't mean to!"

Kaworu's expression turned from an amused to a concerned one when Shinji lost balance on the sand, starting to fall on his back. Too quickly to even register, Kaworu reached out and grabbed the dark haired boy's hand and pulling him up strongly yet gently has not to bruise him… again this would lead to an awful lot of questions but Shinji was too busy coping with a new feeling. Protection… safety… it was like suddenly discovering you were surrounded by clouds.

Again, realization returned and Shinji looked up too Kaworu's red eyes with gazed out look. "Sorry about that… can't seem to figure out where to put my feet…"

Kaworu chuckled… it felt warm, like his eyes. "Think nothing of it Shinji-kun… it was a pleasure saving you." He looked around as if trying to find something. "Anyway… are you here on a small walk?"

Shinji nodded, not wanting to reveal why he was here actually.

"Mind if I join you for the stroll?"

"Shouldn't we be getting back to NERV HQ?"

A bothered look crossed Kaworu's face, but for just a mere fraction. "If you don't mind Shinji… why would very much like not to go there." He stopped his search as he found the sentence written on the sand. "Not today, ok…?"

"_What is your purpose, your reason of existence, your meaning?" _It read on the sand like some dreadful accusation… but Tabris, the angel of Free Will knew better than that. It was a question, therefore it should be answered. He looked again at the younger boy, looking at him expectantly.

_He is…_

Kaworu spoke trying to divert Shinji's attention from the spot on the sand. "Anyway… I'm sure giving your fellow co-worker a tour of the region is reason enough to spend an afternoon outside HQ. Would you do me that favour?"

Shinji nodded and shrugged his elbows… he didn't mind skipping synch tests; actually he tried to avoid them. And showing Kaworu around was just as good an excuse as any to avoid them.

_Not to mention a great opportunity to be with him._

Shinji shrugged the thought away. "Very well… where do you want to go?"

The older boy grinned. "Anywhere you like… lead and I'll follow you anywhere." He stressed the last three words… Shinji felt the warm feeling in his chest again at the end of the sentence. Shinji started to walk when Kaworu started again. "But a soda would be nice…" They looked at each other and chuckled.

As they walked away a bigger wave rushed over the sentence written on the sand, erasing it. The sun was halfway set… too late for Judgement Day now.

* * *

In a place where space doesn't matter but time passes on,a figure stood watching. It turned from the scene to regard two orbs (this is a dimension where space and matter where as flexible as thoughts… all objects were the result of the mind of the occupants) floating in nothingness. He (let's consider the figure male for the sake of convenience) regarded one of them…

-PAIN-

_Must one who is born from Adam return to Adam? Even though it will destroy man? _

_You betrayed me, just like my father did! _

_My life was meaningful because of you. _

-DEATH-

The orb he was observing began to fade into nothingness. The figure smiled and thought deviously (which was strange for a being that was supposed to be so beyond mere humour).

_Oh my… I think I broke it._

He turned his attentions to the remaining orb… he smiled (and you could swear you had heard a snigger). This would be indeed interesting to watch. The orb flickered and broke into a thousand similar orbs. The figure gave a distinct sigh.

_Darn it… more choices…_

The figure turned from the orbs, which disappeared the moment they weren't being watched, back to the scene he had been watching. It seemed he had gotten a little too involved with the situation and now had to take care of it… not that it bothered him mind you.

And so the fate of the world changed irrevocably… what was to come did not come to pass.

Author's note : Do not worry... it is not a new character... Choice is the possession case... now don't worry, you'll recognize the charachter soon (or will you?). Feed me... R&R please... my ego's famished.


	3. Breaking the SEELE, You are like me

**A/N:** Ok, my work is really slow now and it's all because I've been so busy. Even so, I'm trying to run a more accurate update and reediting of what I have already written. So this chapter has suffered some minor alterations.

**Warnings: **I will refrain from giving an explicit tour of why each chapter should be for a mature audience. I will take it that the fact this is labelled as an M rating work is enough to warn people who are easily shocked and influenced. I will however warn when the fic turns to a more graphic shade.

**Disclaimer: **The usual… I do not own Evangelion or any of its characters… woe to me, sob sob, you know the rest (the pain of writing this so many times has rendered me cold and uncaring).

* * *

**Chapter 3**

**Breaking the SEELE/ You are like me**

_**2 weeks later**_

Darkness… we're in a room where light wasn't meant to come inside. The sheer and utter darkness was enough to make you feel anguish sink into your soul leaving it tainted. Yet it was simply darkness… it was a simple pitch black room. It was in this room that SEELE gathered; and the void of their souls made the darkness of the compartment pale to a simple shade of grey. Here gathered the souls of the cursed and blessed; cursed for they had been denied of what they most wanted forever and blessed for they had been given eternity to search for that one think they could not have. True… the blessing was a curse all in itself, but they did not see it that way. They saw it as a blessing

And it was because of that way of seeing things and acting that they were cursed… fallen into God's distaste.

They were the men… or at least what remained of the men of the group named SEELE (if you could consider twelve slabs of stone and a decrepit excuse for a corpse in a wheelchair a group of men). They were the ones that had started the war against their Creator blaming Him as a vengeful entity. The one's that controlled the resistance against God's anointed ones… that sent men (if you could consider 15 year olds, men) out to fight the Angels.

No one knew their true identities… safe to say that anyone who got close enough to figure that out would probably die, if said person wasn't already in the obituaries. They made it very sure that they remained unknown so that they could continue in power. But for people who wished to control the course of events… they were not handling the situation all that well. You could basically say the situation was out of their hands; and that infuriated them… or at least as infuriated as twelve slabs of stones and a decrepit excuse for a corpse in a wheelchair could get (I think I have stressed this already…).

Remarks, comments, sometimes angry shouts and grunts were exchanged between the slabs, sound being emitted from unknown sources. The man in the wheelchair cleared his throat rather soundly and almost immediately all discussions came to an abrupt end. He moved his wheelchair to the centre of the group of monoliths… he spoke in a weak voice that still held power to its feeble sound.

"My friends… we seem to have a slight problem."

* * *

Ayanami Rei made her way down to Terminal Dogma in a slow descent of the elevator. Although this was a tour that few were ever given access she was quite used to coming here. That fact explained why none of the guards paid any attention to her wondering figure as she exited the elevator and walked across the long corridors… you could even go so far as to say they were avoiding taking any notice of the blue haired girl. She always came here; yet this time it was different… this time she wasn't here for tests.

As she navigated she could hear the other people talking. Half listening to their voices, half scrutinising the information inside their dull minds (a thing she had found herself able to do… not exactly bothering to find out why) she could make out talks about the lack of angel activity, half hearted remarks on their possible victory and fear for the possible dismembering of NERV. She didn't care much about them… they had purpose; therefore they could not understand what she was looking for.

"_You are like me"_

The slick voice and those red eyes kept plaguing her thoughts… that one individual; Nagisa Kaworu that was his name. He had red eyes like her; like her he seemed to be able to do much more than he seemed to show; like her he ventured in this war, although she was not quite sure where he stood… but, unlike her, his eyes showed something hers lacked: understanding. Knowledge of what was happening, of what he was, of what his purpose was. From what she could see and hear (because strangely enough she could not discriminate his thoughts or even examine his psyche) Rei could make out that he was interested in Gendo's son, Shinji.

She suspected that once she had had feelings for the blue eyed boy… but she couldn't remember them; a painful fact she could not avoid. Sometimes she was overwhelmed by the searing sensation that she knew something or had been something to many people that now held no meaning to her; it hurt and those red eyes, so much like hers, came always with that sensation.

_Why do I exist?_

_Who am I?_

_What am I?_

She stood in front of an enormous door, every inch covered with intricate security systems, alarms and weapons each one of them promising hours of work just to disarm them. The blue haired girl studied the colossal gate with mild disinterest and with the slip of a small card she took from a pocket in her skirt, all of the gadgets and machinery opened, disarmed and unlocked for her. She passed through the now open entrance.

_I'm the third one._

* * *

Any electronic system that runs a certain amount of operations on its own needs cooling so as not to overheat and have a system crash. In fact… the more operations a system runs, the more vital cooling becomes. That explained why the corridors of the inside of the MAGI system (more specifically the CASPER-Unit) were at a temperature of -14º C. Yet, it did not explain why a certain female figure with violet hair (more specifically Major Katsuragi) was now sitting on the cold floor with a small laptop unit with various cables and terminals sprawling from the small device, attached at the various links on the walls of the super-computer like some kind of artificial octopus.

Taking a close look at the screen of the device you could make out several names, numbers or simple and unreadable computer data coming forth on to the display at an indescribable speed (in this case, the room temperature was the only thing that kept the small machine from simple melting away into plastic).

Beyond the data on the screen, there were four windows opened showing a video image: one of them displayed a picture of a motionless red haired girl lying on what appeared to be a hospital bed, her eyes void of any vitality.

Another one showed some sort of cafeteria where there were two male figures both young, one with brown hair and the other with unusually grey almost silver locks, they seemed to be talking and even from the distance they were being filmed you could make out that the brown haired male was blushing.

The third one showed a dim lit room with a large pool of some sort of orange liquid and standing in a cross a dismembered horrid looking figure of creature, a feminine figure entered the room.

Major Katsuragi arranged herself in the uncomfortable sitting position she was in and sighed.

_Damn the cold… damn it all…_

She looked at her keyboard where there was small picture lying on the corner… it was a picture of a man, dark long hair arranged in a scruffy ponytail, big grin, shut eyes and a few remains of facial hair too short to be considered a beard and too long not to be noticed. She averted her eyes from the picture as though dreading what might come from looking at it for too long. Instead she fixed her attention on the fourth display window on her screen… it was completely dark, safe for twelve glowing slabs of stone and a figure in a metal wheelchair. Her eyes were lit with anger and hatred…

_No… if anything should be damned… they should be… stinking bastards…_

* * *

In the dark room the monolith numbered 9 glowed brightly.

"What do you mean by "slight problem" Keel!" it emitted an angry scowl "The situation is much more distressful than that. Nothing is going as planned… this was not written out in the Dead Sea Scrolls!"

The man in the wheelchair, Keel, turned to the slab. "In that you are wrong… in fact, it clearly states in the parchments that "God's most divine shall come bearing the final message, and he shall fall in awe, for in the Creator's creation and Lillith's son he will find love"; so it is written." He finished his perfect reciting and was immediately cut off by the slab with the number eleven written glowing.

"But is it not printed that "on the last day, on the last bloody sunset so will too his blood fall; and with the crescent moon will the final messenger's sacrifice be ended and humanity will have committed his last sin" as well. Is that not true? If it is… than why hasn't it happened?" The slab finished his small statement with a calm enquiring sigh.

"It may be written…" Keel spoke with a slight nervous edge in his speech. "But the date of his last day is not written… it might be a few days before it happens."

"No Keel…" slab five cut the old man short "…the date is very precise if you calculate correctly. It should have happened precisely two weeks ago."

"That's all very fine and dandy…" the sarcastic and annoyed interruption was made by the slab numbered 7 "… I'm so glad you have all done your homework and know all your little lines; but let's, for one moment forget the beautiful masterplan left out by our Lord Creator so conveniently in a cave on the bottom of some forsaken sea and focus on the facts. Tabris is alive; he should have been dead two weeks ago; the Third Child seems a bit too attached to the Angel, and if you ask me I always thought he was a bastard little queer but moving on… Gendo has once again evaded our control because we need his son so desperately; we have twelve operational S2 engines that are quickly turning matter into energy to power the gigantic EVA we built so quickly and those engines are threatening to consume the earth all on their own. I don't know about you but if we do not act soon we will have a serious problem, if it's not serious already. And excuse me for my words but, I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND WAIT WHILE A COUPLE OF PUBERSCENT BRATS HAVE IT OFF!"

The silence that was followed showed the discontent of the remaining figures. Keel moved closer to the ranting monolith with a stern and somewhat annoyed face. "Your words, although crude are true… yet, we must act cautiously. Must I remind you that if the Third Child ever comes close to finding out about SEELE and our doings and all will be lost? We will do something… but it will not be in anyway linked to us. I repeat… he must not know."

"Keel…" a softer, calmer voice sounded gently from the slab named two. "… we all know the effort we have put on that boy. But you must remember; we are SEELE. We are humanity's last hope to get rid of these shackles we call mortality and despite our vital task and our importance to the evolution of mankind, we are losing our power over the whole situation. Take the present situation as an example."

With that a small screen came up from the ground with the image of a cafeteria and inside two boys, it zoomed on the two figures revealing they were talking… after a few seconds both figures stopped talking and looked at each other's eyes, blue clashing with red.

"Oh please… what now?" slab seven scoffed in his annoying high pitch "Are we supposed to enjoy this beautiful little scene…"

"Shut up you idiot…" slab eight almost screamed bringing the mocking monolith to silence. "… Watch and be quiet!"

The room went silent again as the screen kept displaying the two male figures. Suddenly the red eyed male stretched his hand laying it on top of the open relaxed palm of the other boy. The brown haired boy was shocked and flinched a bit but did not remove his hand from where it was… he looked wide eyed at the other male who was looking intently looking at him with a smile crossing his lips. After a few second the shocked boy seemed to relax and smiled as well; his palm relaxed as well and he let his finger entwine with the other paler ones.

Grumbles and whispers were heard all over the room.

"It is precisely as you fear my friends." slab 2 continued his calm speech "It seems that we might be just too late. Shinji…"

With the sound of that name all the room gasped.

"I'm not afraid of using his real name. He is the centre of all our work… the main subject of the instrumentality project. Without him we will reach the evolutionary dead end… we cannot beat mortality without him. We should at least give him the right to have his true name used."

Slab 7 gave a mocking chuckle. "I always knew you had a soft spot for Gendo's son…"

"The affection I show towards the boy…" the calmer slab retorted "… is no more than the affection a man naturally shows towards the only key to his goals."

"Don't start with that… you know damn well the hell we have put that boy through, and the hell he'll be going through."

"It is enough my friend!" Keel's voice boomed with strange vitality "Your comments are revealing to be quite useless. Continue please…"

The monolith numbered two made a throat clearing sound (strange because he didn't seem to have a throat) "Thank you Keel… but our partner's comment is quite useful. It is true… Shinji has suffered, a lot and because of us. We did this for one reason: to take him apart from the rest of society, single him out… making his study and control easier and to let him reached a plateau of pain and loneliness where he will do exactly what we want him to do. But tell me…" the image in the screen went back to the moment when the two boys entwined their fingers "… does he seem lonely here? Why didn't he ward off this contact like he has for so many times?"

The silence in the room was as void as the lack of light.

"The fact is that I fear Shinji's relation with Tabris has evolved beyond simple friendship. He has already surpassed the hedgehog dilemma: he has let someone touch him. Even worse…" the image now froze at the two figures smiling at each other "… he seems to enjoy it. This is what we have been trying to avoid since we killed his mother; this, my friends, is love. There's nothing much to say but this: Shinji is making his choices and they were supposed to be our choices. Even if Tabris followed the plans I don't believe Shinji would be able to kill him. He might wish to sacrifice himself; he might wish to sacrifice humanity. Humanity is our sacrifice… not his."

The silence remained for a few more seconds. Keel mused worryingly… he knew all this to be true. He had known for much longer and yet he refused to see the truth… the worst part was that he knew what all the others did not know. He knew what had happened that day… the day Tabris, or Kaworu as he liked to call himself (peculiar since that had been the cover up name SEELE had chosen for him) was supposed to kill himself trying to bring forth Third Impact. He had refused to do it… he had chosen otherwise. Why he had chosen that was unknown to him, but the footage he had witnessed revealed what he had feared… the two boys holding hands. They were slowly cementing a bond far too powerful to break even with death. If they did not act soon all would be lost.

"Very well… we have heard each other's thoughts on the matter. I think it is easy to conclude what we must do… before it is too late we must make the Third kill Tabris. We must act quickly and secretly as we have always. We must select our course of action. We must choose and quickly."

Suddenly the temperature dropped and a slow breeze swept across the room (not that any of the figures could feel it)… which was technically impossible since they were several feet underground. The sudden change brought the whole room to attention… there was someone else there beside him.

A calm, cold and detached voiced sounded from a corner.

"You must choose quickly? Come now Keel… we know it's a bit too late for that, don't you think?"

* * *

Ayanami Rei stopped suddenly in front of the giant LCL pool and beyond she saw the hideous figure of what was the second Angel trapped in the enormous Red Cross. Lillith… she didn't know where she had heard that name, no one had informed her about it, yet it was something she had always known like it was glued to back of her head. The crucified figure of the Angel stood there like some cruel joke made to spite the Creator himself.

_Lillith… the progenitor… the first womb from hence all humanity sprawled. How can humanity be so cruel to their own mother?_

Rei shook her head… she did not understand any of it. Why did she know this? Why had she come here in the first place? Why had Gendo sent her to see this? Why did she feel so much pain at this sight? Why this link between her and the Angel? What was her part in this? The girl brought her hands together clasping them as if praying.

"I think I'm the third one! But who was I before? Who am I?" The last question came out in a whisper.

She looked intently at the masked figure… it seemed to pay no attention. But in a moment the face, although covered, moved to look directly at her as if it could see beyond the mask. Rei froze in horror as she felt something inside her mind whispering.

"_You are like me."_

* * *

Misato almost jumped in surprise when she saw what happened… suddenly the image of the dark room she had been monitoring disappeared into static as if the camera had stopped working. The same thing had happened in the window surveying Terminal Dogma. This was impossible… NERV had the most powerful state of the art surveillance system, you could hack into it but it was impossible to disable it. She turned to look at the other windows she hadn't been playing that much attention: the cafeteria was empty, she hadn't noticed the boys leaving; Asuka was still there unfortunately… completely still and almost lifeless.

Misato sighed stretching her straining body.

Without notice the violet haired woman lost all focus on the laptop and quickly jumped up grabbing her gun that had been hiding on her skirt pocket and loading it. Someone had just come inside the computer terminal.

* * *

**A/N: Hope you have enjoyed, I promise more will come as soon as I'm able to write it. If you did enjoy it, leave a review, it's always worth to share your views of someone's work (not to mention it helps my starving ego smirks).**


	4. Dead Prophet, Red Eyes

**A/N: **God this took a long while to write… I'm sorry for the wait. I have been suffering from a severe case of writer's block, not to mention this was the hardest chapter of all to write since you could consider it the end of the pilot section of my fic; which means the story will be much more fluid from now on and the chapters will not have that much condensed information. Also I've been having some trouble with outlining the plot so this came out a bit too twisted and strange at first so it had to be given a full re-editing. But now I'm happy to say I have the complete plot outlined the revelations planned and the writing will come much faster now (I might be wrong of course… hehe). Oh… I'll soon be using my bio to as a way to report the status of my work, the ongoing fics, when they will be updated and my future plans so be sure to have a look some times.

Thank you to my reviewers for the support so vital to my work.

**Disclaimer: **I don't want to! Oh fine, fine, I'll do it… Evangelion and the characters on this fic do not belong to me ad I make no profit out of this.

**Warning: **I have changed the rating to T since what I've been writing so far is mostly harmless; although it will become M in a few chapters (the good old lemon to spice things up).

And now without further delay… the long awaited (yeah, right) chapter 4 of "My purest wings for you".

* * *

**Chapter 4**

**Dead Prophet / Red Eyes**

"W-who are you?" Keel turned 360º (quite impressive since he was on top of a wheelchair) trying to discern the intruder.

"Who I am does not matter…" again the voice, young and pondered like someone who could wait for a very long time "… it is however the reason I came here that should be worrying you. For trial is never something the guilty feel comfortable with…"

Keel smirked as he reached for the small red button placed under the right arm of his chair. With a sound of a click the whole room became filled with white light from five projectors and eight automatic machine guns came out from the seemingly flat walls all of them pointed at mid air where a figure was floating. The room's occupant gasped in unison.

"Y-you…" slab 11 stammered on the words "you were supposed to be…"

The figure smiled. "The person you are referring to is quite dead… but his body has come of much use."

"How did you get inside?" The slab numbered 8 yelped. "The AT-field detectors should be haywire."

The figure continued floating in mid-air. "It appears there was someone tempering with your computer system… MAGI you call them. I must say you have a very sick sense of humour to use the name of the wise men for your system if, in the end, it is but a thin line of defence against our powers."

He (because you could at least make out his gender from the tone of his voice) looked around at the group of slabs and chuckled. "So this is SEELE… I must say you are precisely as I had pictured you: weak and defenceless when stripped from your awesome machinery and weapons. Speaking of weapons… do you mind turning those away from me, Keel?"

"Shut up boy!" slab 7 began in his usual tone "Do you think that little trick of yours gives you any power over us! We could destroy you with a snap of our fingers!" That brought an amused chuckle from the intruder "Think you're a god… you're nothing but another target!"

The figure came closer to the slab, slowly descending from where he was, machine guns following his every move. "No… I do not have any pretensions of being considered the Creator, nor do I have any pretensions of becoming my Father. But…"

The figure snapped his fingers and before the sound could die away the machine guns were falling to the ground, dismantled to their smallest pieces as if some unseen technician had taken them apart. Keel opened his mouth, unable to say anything and retrieved his fingers from the button he had been pushing. The figure crossed the room with slow, loud footsteps crossing the crowd of stone blocks.

"I'm almost as powerful as my Father…" he stood in front of the slab and placed his palm on his surface "… and far from forgiving as He can be."

"W-who the hell are y-…?" the monolith tried mumbling, no longer proudly swearing.

"You know… you really are quite annoying." chuckling, the figure knocked on the material as if testing it "Ah… I see. So you transfused your soul to this rock and chained it down so it wouldn't leave this realm… ingenious. But that only means that you have attained a new body; you are still bound to the rules of mortality. So, supposing the stone was to…"

"I…" dust fell to the ground where once had been the stone tablet.

Silence reigned over the room. The new addition to the group slowly walked to the centre, inspecting each one of the others. He stopped and sighed.

"Now that I have shown you what will happen if you feel a certain need to recur to blasphemy, we can now proceed without any interruptions. Of course; if anyone wishes to find out the fate of your partner…"

"What do you want from us?" slab 8 spoke, trying to seem as respectful as he could.

He chortled. "Redemption… but before that, I would like to pose you some questions. Even though I'm powerful, I'm not omniscient. And there are a few things about this little operation of yours, sinful as it may be, that spur my interest. So if you don't mind… please cooperate."

* * *

_You are like me_

Ayanami Rei clutched her head, mouth open as if trying to scream… she was finally able to produce a sound.

"Get out!"

She looked up to the masked face of the Angel, hands still buried in her head, nails almost digging through her scalp as a thousand thoughts and whispers took over her mind. So many voices spoke inside Rei's head… all of them the same as hers. A small tear of pain escaped her red eyes slowly making its way across her face stopping at her quivering lips.

_I am like you_

Ayanami kept staring at the face above her, speechless unlike the voices in her head begging, screaming, laughing, crying… they wouldn't quiet as if a gigantic uncoordinated chorus. She moved uneasily before dropping to her knees tears now flowing freely from her crimson orbs falling on the metal floor.

"Who are you!"

She grinded her jaws trying not to scream… she whispered.

"Please… who are you?"

The thousands of voices in her head silenced leaving a sense of emptiness to what once was a crowded mind. Rei opened her eyes, only a few drops of tears left. She dared to look up again and was met with the masked face, speechless as before.

"I…"

Suddenly the silence of the chamber was broken by a loud noise coming from the crossed figure. It wasn't saying or screaming anything… but the mask that was once covering its face was cracking. And that was the last thing Ayanami Rei before her vision turned dark.

* * *

Misato loaded her gun as silently as she could, trying to avoid being spotted. She could only hope there was the chance for the intruder to turn back. But when she started hearing approaching footsteps from the corridor that led to the main frame, that possibility was denied. Half crouching, half leaning on the wall she started nearing the corridor weapon ready to fire at any given moment. Misato stopped herself and pondered the possibility of making it seem like a mistake… and how hard it would be to give that impression if she was pointing the gun at the person's head.

_I could always blame Maya… she would back me up with a good story._

She quickly tried to hide her gun from sight but when she turned back she saw her laptop, the various wire connecting it to the MAGI system and the small metal lines that were stuck in specific parts of the main processor (in this case a piece of brain)… unless the intruder was gullible enough to believe that she was making the monthly check-up it would be hard to get an excuse. As fast as she had hidden the gun she armed herself pointing the gun with precision.

_Screw the alibi…_

Before she could even consider any more options the intruding figure stepped into the main frame. Blinded by fear Misato proceeded with the technique of a trained assassin. With a quick jump and dash she advanced towards the figure, putting her gun against the victims head before a gasp could be heard.

"M-Misato-san!"

Turning off from her killer trance Misato finally took a moment to realize who she was pointing the gun at and found herself nearly shooting the spectacled face of one of her co-workers… and good friend as well. She jumped back returning her gun to where it was.

"Hmm… sorry about that, Hyuga."

The startled man tried to relax adjusting his glasses.

"Don't worry… at least I still have my head on."

The violet-haired female scratched her head giggling nervously.

"Can't seem to shake the habit to shoot first ask questions later. But anyway, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I could ask the same question."

Misato sighed at pointed at the computer behind her.

"Trying to see if I can milk this thing for information… doesn't seem to be working though; this thing is just one big digital fortress. Now it's your turn… answers, now!"

"Looking for you… I needed to see you and didn't know where you were. I guessed you'd be doing what you are doing right now so I decided to try and find you… I already went to look at the BALTHAZAR-unit on the way here."

"Were you followed… did anyone suspect anything?" Misato sounded alarmed.

"I think you can trust me enough to be able to go unnoticed." Hyuga chuckled.

Misato was a bit flushed. Since Hyuga had become her personal spy he had revealed himself to be much more professional and also mature than she had thought he was… but it was still to cope with this new figure of the man she once thought as a slow and frightened computer expert. She resumed her "Katsuragi charm", not liking the feeling of being caught off.

"So… you couldn't just stand being separated to me and you tried to find me or is there something else besides the sheer adoration you have for my person?"

Hyuga chuckled, his attitude an incorruptible calmness that surprised Misato.

"Much as I would like to deny it… I actually have something that will interest you."

He signalled to the several sheets of paper he was holding. Misato quickly jumped taking the stack from his hand and giving it a quick glance.

"Tell me the good news…"

"I found information on the new EVA-units, their locations, stats, capabilities and technical characteristics."

Misato gave a little jump, excited at the information she was holding.

"I swear I could kiss and make passionate wild sex with you Hyuga"

Hyuga blushed and arranged his glasses trying to maintain his composure.

"No need for that. Let's just get out of here… it's freezing."

"Sure thing… let me just get my laptop. But you know Hyuga, don't do that again… I could have actually killed you."

"Don't worry… as long as it was you that killed me, it wouldn't have bothered me that much."

It was Misato's turn to blush… she was just glad that she had her back turned to Hyuga at that time. And then her eyes found the picture of the unshaved smiling man looking at her. She preferred to be staring at Hyuga… anything but staring at what she was staring: the past.

* * *

Ayanami Rei opened her eyes… she didn't know how long she had kept them closed. Her view took a long while to focus but when she was finally able to make out shapes in front of her, she was surprised to find none. A few more seconds passed and she was finally able to see clearly where she was. And she didn't really know where or, for that matter, what it was.

In front of her… the horizon. She looked to both sides… the same horizon. She turned around… and still all she could see was the same horizon, a white almost silver like sky clashing with what appeared to be a yellow sea and in the middle a strange red shade rimmed that ungraspable line where sky meets the sea.

She looked down and gasped when she finally realized she was floating, her feet a few inches away from the surface of the golden mass of liquid. At last she remembered to breath and the wave of air filled her nostrils with that distinctive smell she had grown used to after months of piloting the EVA.

_LCL!_

For minutes she stood there floating… trying to grasp what was exactly happening to her.

"_You've come"_

The sentence rose from the pool of LCL as if a thousand voices had spoken in unison. And they all seemed so… glad. Small waves began to appear in the once motionless surface of the pool. Ayanami turned her attention to the source of the waves… a small space of the surface was emitting the circles that disturbed the quiet waters. As if something was going to come out. She spoke out to no one in particular.

"Where am I!"

Again the choir spoke with its gleeful voices.

"_The beginning…"_

A figure started ascending from the centre of the circles… first a head, then the shoulders, the arms, the breasts, the abdomen, the hands, the waist, the legs, the knees and finally the feet. It stood there, floating a few inches away from the surface, still dripping. A naked female body stood… a body similar in everything to Rei's own except for the face. Rei couldn't see the face for it was covered by a mask with two cracks on it.

"I…"

A breaking sound was heard creating a third crack… a piece of the mask fell disturbing the now stable surface with small waves and revealing a small pair of pinks lips. Rei shivered, feeling as though she was watching a mirror with her reflection. The pair of lips on the naked for moved.

"Don't be afraid…"

Rei wanted to scream but she was unable to… it was as if her voice had been stolen by the other body in front of her. It spoke again.

"Don't be afraid… you are the same as I am…"

* * *

In a room that was believed to be the most heavily guarded, stood 9 glowing slabs of stone, a decaying body in a wheel chair and three piles of dust. In the centre of the group was another human figure, this one much younger than the one in the wheel chair… it spoke in a calm and detached tone.

"So… the final unit is in Germany you say."

"Yes." The confirmation came from the monolith numbered 5.

"Very well… and what is the activation sequence for the units?"

"Wait… we can't tell him t…"

The tablet once numbered 8 fell to the ground as it disintegrated into dust adding to the other piles. The figure in the centre paused, breathed and asked again.

"What is the activation for the units?"

"God's in his heaven…"

The answer came from the man in the wheel chair.

"Thank you Keel… didn't actually expect such cooperation from you. So, all the units are the same, the dummy plug is the same, the material is the same, so are the capabilities, the same with the energy source. I must say that your cloning abilities have improved since your first pathetic attempt at copying us…"

The silence in the room was only broken by the annoyed grunt from Keel.

"But this boy of yours… you won't be able to stop him. Even with the units. His EVA is far superior… his synch with the machine is as great as the link between mother and child. How do you intend stop such power from creating such a cataclysm?"

"We don't…" slab 2 spoke "… it is not our desire to stop him from becoming Deus ex Machina. Shinji's life, the manipulation we did, the continuous stripping of all that could keep him human it was all done with one purpose… to create the so anticipated New Man. One with no boundaries, one with vitality and strength to fight and dethrone our Creator… the next step in the evolutionary chain: a human god. Humanity has been reduced to a status far from divine… the demonstration of our inferiority with Second Impact. It proves that we have stopped our own evolution. The Third Child will be our new Adam, one perfect and unstoppable being. It's already begun… there is nothing you can do to stop us, even if you kill us how do you intend to discontinue what has been decided millennia ago. It is stated in the scripts… the Dead Sea Scrolls are not wrong. The world we'll come to an end and with it…"

"Don't recite that to me!" the figure in the middle spoke his voice loud and full of irony "I should know what's in those scripts… I was the one who wrote them!"

Silence reigned.

"H-How…?" the voice of the monolith was taken over by an unbelieving terror.

"I'm the one who will decide when the world and all things are to end. I'm the one who holds the keys to destruction. I'm the final judge and you… you're not even human. You soiled your soul trying to keep it in this realm and betrayed your own keen with this suicidal plan. But I am the one who will decide it, not you. And I don't need to stop the Third Child… he'll do it himself."

"I…" the slab remained speechless.

"But of course you won't be able to watch it… as I now will give the sentence that awaits all of those who fall from our Father's grace."

He snapped his fingers… the slabs fell to dust.

"Ashes to ashes…"

"Dust to dust…" the answer came from the wheel chair.

The figure turned to meet the remaining element in the room.

"Guess that just leaves both of us."

"I see you remain unforgiving and almighty as ever Uriel."

The figure in the chair spoke a strange familiarity, almost relief, in his voice.

"How many centuries has it been? Humanity has changed so much, yet you're still the same… aren't you Nostradamus?"

* * *

Ayanami Rei kept staring at her exact body double in horror and disbelief. She no longer cared where she was or how she had got there… too many things, too many frightening things were happening. And the most frightening thing of all was the figure right in front of her floating in mid-air; face covered with a cracked mask … it made the body seem like an animated corpse that lacked something for its completion.

"Don't be afraid…"

Again that phrase… it was spoken with such calmness such lack of emotion that seemed like the most obvious statement. Not to be afraid of being in a strange place: not afraid of being floating in the air; not afraid of the voices dwelling inside her head that tormented her with never ending cries; not afraid of seeing an exact double of her, right in front of her eyes… a leaving breathing copy of her. How could she not be afraid… how…

"How…?"

The figure's face was lined with Rei's as if it could see beyond the mask that was covering.

"Don't look at me like that… after all, we are the same."

Ayanami felt like screaming but the terrifying knowledge of there being no one to hear her kept her from emitting any sound other than small words she could muster.

"Why…?"

"Very soon… we won't be like this anymore."

Suddenly the mask covering the figures face cracked one final time, shattering into several pieces the spread across the air with a thunderous explosion of sound and light. At last Rei screamed, shielding her eyes from the blinding radiance. Even after the explosion, even after the sound had died and silence was regained the glow remained brighter than ever. And again that calm voice spoke without a drop of humanity to it.

"Very soon we'll be one… don't be afraid."

* * *

"Uriel… the great Archangel of Judgement… it has been so long. How long as it actually been?"

"I believe six centuries."

The two figures, the one in the wheel chair and the one floating in front of him looked at each other for a few seconds as if scanning for something they already knew was there but couldn't find. Keel suddenly changed he's attitude, his eyes gaining a life that he had never seemed to have. He chuckled and sighed.

"Ah, I remember now. Back then your name still had power. Power of fear, of respect, of divinity… no matter what power, your name had all of them. Even though the Cabal is so little known to mortals, you were feared and respected like no other angel. But now… people will not even waste time trying to find who you are. A name without any strength; such a pity isn't it?"

"I see you haven't lost your tongue. But I do not need a name… the power my own spirit holds is far greater than that of any human belief. You should no that better than any other of your keen, Nostradamus!"

"Oh… I see you still pronounce my name with as much hate as before. Do you fear me that much?"

"Silence! No other human, no other soul has been given so much insight into the Creator's desires. No mortal has ever looked onto the plans of the Engineer but you. And even after that, even after you betrayed your own God for knowledge you were allowed to survive. You were forgiven, even after cheating your own condition of mortal."

"As I recall I did not cheat… I just found the loophole. The soul is eternal, the body was the element that decayed and kept the soul within this realm. I only had to maintain my soul here through other means."

"How could you corrupt our Father's work to such extent?"

"The Lord's work was already corrupt… if he did not want human nature to rebel against its condition of mortality why give man a way to extend their stay in this realm? Why let me peer into his work and find the flaws that it was never supposed to have? Why give man the chance to disobey by giving him free will? Even now your Tabris is a proof of that… God's own anointed disobeying Him out of love."

"He's actions were premeditated… a mere control of an individual's choices."

"Ah, yes… I did expect that, why else would things go against the Scrolls. It had to be you behind this. But tell me, why take action now, after I've done so much harm?"

"Because I was allowed to interfere. I am not one to question my Father's wishes. He gave me the power to act, and I shall act as I see fit."

"And again the work of the Engineer reveals its flaws… weren't you suppose to be but His servant. Why show such self-worth and decisions if you're no more than an emissary of the Divine Will?"

"Silence heretic!"

Keel chuckled again. It took a long while before silence was settled and Uriel had regained his composure. Keel spoke again with a voice of someone utterly delighted.

"What are you waiting for… why is not my body lying limp on the ground? If you don't she won't wake up… why am I not dead?"

"I'm just curious… why? Why, after so many centuries of quietly seeing history's continuous flow, did you took such despicable actions? Defying Him, capturing us, cloning us and destroying God's work beyond repair… why?"

Keel looked at the angel, his eyes suddenly serious and old beyond imagination.

"Because it ceased flowing…"

"What?"

"Because history stopped flowing, because time suddenly didn't matter and humanity just stayed the same like some creature waiting for evolution to finally happen. How can you understand… of course you can't, not even you can. I saw it all… right before me like a book with huge letters. All of history's contents… Napoleon, Beethoven, Darwin, Descartes, Engel, Einstein… all of the great geniuses of the times that would come after mine, explained, as if the future was but a recipe that was already being prepared. I had to see it all… I needed to find out if it was true. And I saw it all… I saw Napoleon, I saw liberty, equality and fraternity rise like they never had; I heard the most beautiful of music's as if man had finally heard God's heartbeat; I read the most qualified research on our origins and cried when I finally gave up to the fact that man was not always so perfect like God had intended."

The angel did not speak as if drawn to the old man's speech.

"I experienced all of history as only a man could… saw my keen evolve beyond any god given status. Man had showed his prowess and I was his witness. And then… as if the turn of the century was to be the end of such beautiful times… disaster came when our Messiah completed his 1900 birthday. They called it a World War and it was such a sad thing… until then war was but an aristocrat's hobby, fought with calm tactics and with little important life losses, but this war. This war reduced us to dogs feeding on each others corpses. Long trenches where soldiers died so stupidly and their lives meaning so little… I saw them, I didn't want to but I did."

"But the war ended and I truly thought it would be a new era… and it was. Art like no other was created, science achieved at long last the vision I had had centuries ago. But then, as if a proof of our stupidity, humanity raged war against itself one more time, this time even more gruesome than ever. The fascists destroyed the liberty that had been so hard to achieve, weapons killed so many lives that had cost so much to create. So many beliefs were lost; especially my own. As the priest I always disliked those that had banished our Messiah, the Jews. But what they did to those poor people… the children, the women, the man, the whole of their race. Even today I can't pronounce the word Auschwitz without trembling. And then came Einstein the genius, with a vision so great and beautiful… and they twisted it. Created the most horrid of weapons, killing and destroying everything with one blow… even after the war they continued using as threat."

"It was clear to me then more than ever that what I feared had happened… with the turn of the century God had abandoned us to our lucks as if to test us. And without His guidance we proved to be nothing more than mere fools who would kill each other at the first chance. So I waited… I waited for the new turn of the century, for the turn of the millennia waiting for my Lord to rescue us from ourselves. But he did not come… and so I cried because I saw that He would never come, and even doubted if had ever been here with us. And then I made a decision, If God would not bear witness to our crimes than I would commit such a heinous crime that he would need to come and see how he had left us."

"You did it just to spite him?" Disbelief rang in the angel's voice.

"Yes… and now you're here. Now my Lord has returned to me and to my people and I can rest. Finally I have understood why I was given my visions. I have known of your arrival since that fated day the Scrolls were wrong for the first time… God rejected his own plans, an angel refused to continue his work. And now I am at peace."

The angel was silent for many minutes before he raised his hand. Keel sighed.

"The Third Child has proven worthless to me… perhaps the Lord will find him of use."

"He already has."

"Don't you mean you already have?"

Silence… in the hands of the angel a long thin sword appeared, with burning fire on its edge of an orange colour.

"My, you haven't shouted at me. Could it be that I have gained your respect?"

"No matter how simple a life you led at first, no mater how noble the reasons for your actions… you have committed to great a crime to be respected. It is pity I feel for you."

"Do not pity me but pity my kind. Pity the human race that committed greater crimes for less noble reasons. Let my crime be the last my keen is ever allowed to commit. I leave with an clean conscience and with a final question."

Uriel prepared the blade to strike.

"What is that question?"

"What awaits me?"

"That is for you to find out."

Keel laughed, his cackles filling the room.

A swish of the sword.

A blow.

Blinding light.

And the fate that awaits us all.

* * *

Rei didn't know when the light that had been blinding her started to fade… nor could she make any sense to what exactly was happening, but she had stopped worrying about that a long time ago. A human has an amount of unrealism he can take before he just gives up on trying to make any sense out from it. There are certain things that logic has nothing to do with. And this was one of them.

So Rei was no longer bothered as to where she was, why she was in the place, how had she gotten there, why was she floating why was a body the same as hers in front of her eyes… no, Rei was now worried about something else. She was worried if she truly wanted all those questions answered. She was wondering if the reality she had been holding on to would all go to waste with a few simple answers.

"Look…"

Ah… the other thing that terrified Rei at that moment: the notion the she could now open her eyes; the possibility to take a look at what stood in front of her. She had been petrified by the blinding light… but she didn't if what awaited her after the light would be far more terrifying than the light that shielded her vision.

"Look at me…"

Why… why all this? She couldn't find any reason for it… and she knew now that she preferred to keep that knowledge from herself. After all, if the answers she would gain could turn her into someone different, if she was indeed to become more than simply herself but someone else, to become one… wouldn't that mean that the person or personality she held would disappear? The answer was yes, her present self would die. And after all, survival instinct is one of the few things we humans have kept over years and years of evolution. And at that moment that instinct was the thing that kept her eyes close shut.

"Look at me third one…"

She couldn't hold it… she knew it. Like Pandora opened the box she would have to open her eyes. She would have to peer into that which had risen from the blinding light, what had been hiding behind the mask… or maybe what was kept hidden, kept locked away. And it happened… she opened her red eyes. She opened them and the first thing she saw was… a pair of red eyes, as red as hers, no, even redder. Looking at her… like a mirror with a will of its own. The voice spoke.

"Now… look at yourself."

And Rei's vision was covered with the crimson red of her duplicate's eyes, her ears filled with voices each telling her things she had never dreamed of, her skin tingled with sensations she had never felt, her mind flooded with the thoughts of a thousand more… and deep inside her, where what you could call soul lies, something changed irrevocably.

"And now we will become one."

Those were the last words Rei heard before her world faded to black once again, sending her to the abyss of unconsciousness. Only this time she was no longer what you could have called Rei a few minutes ago… she had changed, beyond mere thoughts or actions, her soul touched by something that should have always been there. She had awakened.

* * *

"K-Kaworu… is something the matter?"

Shinji asked his friend as he watched him standing looking at nothing. They had been walking normally down one of NERV's many corridors; something they did to kill time. But Kaworu had suddenly stopped, his red eyes widening and his face becoming stern like that of a scared person. He could almost feel the troubled thoughts beyond those crimson orbs… it upset Shinji.

"Hey, Kaworu-kun… what's the matter?"

The taller boy blinked his eyes before his face regained a normal expression. Still dazed he looked to his right to find the blue eyes of the troubled Shinji. He smiled as reassuringly as he could.

"Sorry about that… I thought I had heard something. What were you saying back there?"

Shinji calmed, releasing a quiet sigh and returning Kaworu's smile with one of his own.

"Not much… I just said we should hurry up or will keep Miss Ritsuko waiting."

All of a sudden Kaworu perked. He grabbed Shinji's arm and began running across the corridor dragging the younger boy with him.

"K-Kaworu?"

"We should hurry…" he said laughing.

Shinji laughed as well catching up to Kaworu. But inside the white skinned male's mind the thoughts were far from calm.

_Lillith… was that you?_

* * *

Rei opened her eyes… she was back in the chamber she had been before. But here eyes weren't the same. She looked up… the figure of the crucified angel stood there, face now unmasked. Each other's eyes met for long seconds before the girl spoke.

"I know now…"

The angel's head moved as if nodding in agreement.

"But not yet."

She started to walk out the chamber… the mechanized door opening up to her passage as if in fear of staying shut.

"First there is something I must make sure… something I must end."

* * *

In a place where space doesn't matter… a new figure appeared; or rather returned. As he appeared the empty blackness of what was the infinity of emptiness was filled with thousands of glowing red orbs as if a night sky that had just remembered to turn on the stars. The figure examined the extent of the glowing mass; he stretched his arms as if to declare a speech.

"The prophet is dead."

And as if answering the phrase… many of the red orbs vanished leaving only about half of the ones that had existed.

Uriel smiled.

"Causality has started its course."

* * *

**A/N: Just like to leave a small note: Nostradamus is a real historic character… why not give him a search on you encyclopaedia (for those who know about him I hope you agree with my choice for him as Keel's true identity). Also, Uriel is an actual angel… he is said to be the one who will announce the end of times; which is why I chose him.**

Why not leave a little comment… just press the review button down there. It's those little reviews that get me through my writer's block.


	5. Denying fate, Closer

**A/N: **GOD I've been neglecting my fics… so sorry. But don't worry; all of my works will receive their well deserved update before the end of this month (with a new fic coming up soon). But that's beside the point… I hope everyone enjoys this chapter.

**Warning: **Shonen-ai… run for it! (Indeed… the first little tastes of what will become a shonen-ai fic)

**Disclaimer: **No, I won't! I refuse to say it! Oh fine… but this is the last time! The characters in this fic do not belong to me and I make no money from this.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

**Denying fate/ Closer**

_1 week later_

It would be natural that an organization so large, so important and so powerful such as NERV would have its own filing system; a compilation of all information relevant and necessary to the well running of the organization… it would be natural, so NERV had its own filing system.

It would also be natural that all personal data of the workers would be kept in that system… it would be natural, so all personnel information was kept well organized, from the mere desk worker to the vital pilots.

In the end, it would also be natural that all this information should be kept under strict surveillance and highly guarded with all possible protection… it would be natural, so one of the most secure rooms in the GeoFront is in fact the information room equipped with surveillance cameras, high protection gates and extremely safe and impossible to hack codes.

All this is very natural.

But it wouldn't be natural that an Angel, NERV's greatest enemy and most powerful of beings, would try to enter this room in the effortless pursuit of collecting nothing more than a simple date. Very unnatural… and yet it was happening this very instant. The problem of something being unnatural is that a person is seldom ready for it.

And so it was that the highly guarded data room became nothing more than an easy to browse container. The vigilance cameras turned off, the protected gates opened wide as if they were a welcoming red carpet and the unhackable codes became useless with a simple thought.

Kaworu smiled at how easy his task had been.

_NERV has even gone through the trouble of sorting the files alphabetically… how very thoughtful of them._

The grey haired angel gave a small sigh of achievement as he took out the folder he was looking for from the safeguarded, though useless, cabinet. He looked at the title to make sure it was the right one; "Shinji Ikari- EVA pilot". He opened the folder containing the result of careful background research in every aspect of Shinji's life.

He started flipping through countless charts with test results, tables with personal information, trying to avoid reading more than what he needed, not wishing to invade the boy's privacy. After a few minutes of search he found what he was looking for.

"Ah… I knew it!" he shouted, not worried with the several sound alarms that he had rendered useless.

Putting the folder back in its place and closing the cabinet, he exited the room trying to leave it as though it had been untouched the whole time. Less than a second after he had exited the room, the gates closed shut, the surveillance cameras resumed their function and the codes started working again… naturally.

* * *

The room was as he would have expected… cold and somewhat uncaring. The various machines beeped in a slow rhythm their monitors showing lines moving in a slow routine with numbers changing from time to time. One of the gears seemed to be pumping air through a tube. And in the centre of it all of the equipment laid in a metal desolate bed, the body of the redhead Asuka Soryu Langley.

"Hmm… Asuka, it's me, Shinji."

The blue eyed boy looked at what once had been his friend, now only a body clinging to life (if you could call it that). It was so frightening; once she had been one of the strongest females he had ever known and suddenly there she was; reduced to a semi-living carcass in a comatose state.

"I-I came to see how… how you were."

The body didn't speak nor move, the clouded eyes just staring at the ceiling as if they were staring at the very Abyss. Shinji gulped, he tried not to cry at the sight.

_Asuka wouldn't like that at all… calling me a cry-baby and all._

"The doctors told me that it didn't really matter if I talked or not. They told me you couldn't hear me no matter what I did. But, I'm sure that's not true. In fact, I think it is worth it, even if it's just to make you so bored you'll just attack me."

Not a word came from the medically animated corpse… not even a sign that the girl was actually hearing anything; Shinji felt as though it was useless even being here. But he refused to defend that idea… Asuka was one of the most confident and self-reliant people he had ever met; she wouldn't give up on living no matter what.

_Would she?_

"You know… it's been very lonely without you and Rei. I guess it's not so bad with Kaworu now… you haven't met him yet. He's very different, very sweet… a bit strange perhaps because he's always smiling and says strange things but I guess we're all strange."

The boy gave a lonely chuckle and his expression turned grim.

"We have to be to ride those things; to risk our lives… to let something bad happen to us. We have to be strange to be heroes because something can always happen. Like it happened to you…"

Shinji clenched his fist trying to contain everything inside him.

"But I'm sure you'll be fine no time, nee Asuka?"

The female body remained silent as if Shinji wasn't even there.

"Please get better Asuka… I can't take it anymore. I can't stand how lonely it is… not to see you, not to hear you talk, not to hear you scream. I need you to remember me not to be so gloomy or depressive… to smack me when I need to."

Silence…

"Don't be like that; don't ignore me!"

Silence…

"Asuka… please come back! Say something, scream, hit me, call me everything… just do something!"

Shinji grabbed the comatose body's shoulders and began shaking the girl frantically. When he saw no answer he only shook her more and more trying to make something happen. Something had to happen… she couldn't be gone, she couldn't leave him, she couldn't…

"ASUKA COME BACK!"

With one last shake the lines that had been strapped to Asuka's body came loose ripping her clothes… her body fell limp to a side of the hospital bed, revealing her naked breasts. Shinji looked at what he had done and just stood there gasping for breath, horrified at the state of the girl.

Something took over him, all rational thought evaded the dark haired boy… and he just ran. He got out of the room running as fast as he could. Running towards the only person he could remember at the time; the only person he wanted to run to.

* * *

Kaworu was mildly walking through the silent halls of NERV busy with his thoughts. He found it funny that humanities last defence against the creator's wrath seemed so neglected.

_After all… an angel could attack at any time rendering them defenceless._

Kaworu smiled at the irony of it all. There he was; the last of the angels, probably the most powerful and NERV had just let him inside and gave him control to one of the EVA making it so very easy for them to be completely destroyed.

_It all comes down to me after all… I get to decide whether humanity survives or not. In the end, the fate of mankind rests on the decision of another person. The Lillim are so amusing… their whole future and reality depends solely on the actions of others. Are they so afraid to act, that they need someone to decide everything?_

Kaworu thought about it and suddenly started laughing; he was going through exactly the same thing. The decision of not destroying humanity was not based on his own wishes but on Shinji. He did not decide to save humanity; he only decided to stay with Shinji. Not only was it a jealous act, but it was also a choice that wasn't entirely his.

_How human I have become. I suppose free will comes at a price… what you choose never depends solely on yourself._

The more he thought about it, the more he was amazed at what a complex creature a human was… truly god's greatest of creations. Man had freedom, but since he chose to live in society he suppressed his own freedom avoiding it from coming in confront with the freedom of another. Kaworu had the same fate… he was completely free to do anything and had full powers to do it; but still he chose not to use them in order to stay with the boy he loved.

_And the most ironic part of it is that I don't even know if he feels the same way. Every effort becomes useless if he rejects me… all my hopes are in his hands._

Again the irony was unbearable. So Kaworu walked through the halls smiling his casual but so lucid smile, delicately planted on his face. That was the reason he was always smiling… he was awake to the world and couldn't stop finding it ever so amusing.

Every little thing was marvellous to behold, from the complete stranger that walked by you in a funny way, to the overwhelming feeling of love… everything about life, even the pain, was wonderful; was addicting.

_How very human I have become indeed. I don't even want to stop living… even though I know what awaits me._

Kaworu sighed… this was much better. Life was much better.

Suddenly, the grey haired boy heard the sound of rushing footsteps and gasping breath… someone was running close by, and was getting closer. He turned around to see who was coming, not knowing what to expect. And then he saw him. The blue eyed boy running along the hallway, his eyes wet from what Kaworu could guess was crying.

"Shinji, is that you?"

The other boy stopped running, looking intently at Kaworu. He sighed, ran to him and stopped a few inches from him. Kaworu's smile became a worried one as he saw that Shinji was still crying.

"Shinji… what's wrong?"

Two desperate blue eyes met his red ones.

"I… I needed to see you. I need your help."

"I don't understand… what happened."

"I need your help… you are… I need… help me."

Shinji's words made no sense but the frantic tone of his voice spoke volumes. Shinji was fighting something inside him, something that was tearing him apart. Kaworu's eyes were taken over with assurance and he grabbed the dark haired boy's hand making him gasp.

"What do you want me to do?"

They looked at each other, Shinji's eyes worried and unsure. The smaller boy finally spoke.

"It's Asuka… I can't help her anymore."

* * *

The doorof the hospital room opened as a grey haired figured entered it unannounced. Kaworu sighed as he saw the state of the female, body half falling from the bed, shirt open, breasts exposed and eyes void of any life. He walked a bit closer and remembered he was being taped by the surveillance camera; with a flick of his mind the machine turned off.

"Good morning Asuka Langley… my name is Kaworu, Nagisa Kaworu. I'm the Fifth Child chosen to pilot the EVA-02 as your replacement… a pleasure to meet you."

He gave a small bow, not surprised at receiving no reaction. He looked at the girl once more before he started manipulating his AT-field so that Asuka's body was levitated and was placed in bed again, clothes covering her body, all the machines around working again as if nothing had happened. Kaworu walked closer to the bed looking straight into the eyes of the girl… a frown came to his face.

_Is there a soul inside you still?_

His hand came to rest on the side of the bed, the male looking intently at Asuka's barren orbs. He sighed and spoke.

"Humans are indeed such strange creatures… they are capable of so many things; things of beauty, of genius, of violence, of greatness, small gestures that mean the world and most of all, are capable of feelings beyond any other creature. Feelings like pain, sorrow, pride, loneliness but also happiness, companionship, humility and most of all love… humans can be such rich and complex creatures."

Asuka didn't say a thing, her eyes still fixed on the ceiling as they had been since she entered coma. Kaworu continued talking.

"But to think that humans are so fragile at the same time; that such small things or meaningless events can put an end to something as beautiful as human life… it makes me fear for humanity. It makes me think of how impossible it is for them to live alone, against their instincts. I fear that mankind is not as strong as it believes it is… god needed only to blink his eye to reveal humanity to be defenceless. That's why we were sent… we the angels came to earth, to test you, to know and understand you. Although I believe fighting isn't the best way to achieve it."

Still the girl remained speechless. Kaworu proceeded with his speech.

"And until now, mankind has proven himself to his creator… enough to destroy us. This proves my theory: that a human being is a very strange creature indeed. Because if he is so strong, how can he be so weak as well? How could such a marvellous creature with such a wondrous soul be capable of so terrible acts of violence and lock himself in loneliness, void of emotion? How could you Asuka, who have proven so powerful against us be reduced to this… are you worth so little?"

The girl did not answer, but one of the machines that had been beeping slowly began to rise in rhythm. The angel smiled.

"I know you can hear me… I know you are in there… and I know you can come out at any time. But why would you want such a thing? Your life seems to have lost all meaning… you're no longer the pilot you were, synch ratio zero; you have been left alone; your humiliation has been declared, you've even tried to end your life; and Shinji has found someone to love and who will love him in return… and it's not even you. Why would you want to come out indeed?"

The beeps in the machine began to come faster and faster, the space between them growing smaller by the minute. Around that machine the other equipment began to gain life, charts showing bigger lines and the pulse returning to normal. Kaworu approached her face whispering in the girl's ears, smile stretched in his face.

"It doesn't have to be like this. You are not as useless as you think you are. You have proven yourself several times along your years of life… in many more ways than most people with three times your age. Don't let that go; human life is to big a gift to refuse. You haven't lost; you just need to find your own victories. And don't close yourself… Shinji needs a friend he can count on, a friend he saw in you. Don't try to live alone or to not live at all… you're not sure if death is a better option. Don't follow the steps of your mother… you survived her once, don't let yourself be beaten."

Asuka's eyes began to gain life… you could almost feel she was beginning to breath again. But, as quickly as she had regained life, she lost it, returning to her vegetative state. The red eyed boy sighed.

"Humans are truly the strangest creatures I have ever come to know… but also the most wonderful and, at the same time, the weakest. I fear for them so much… I fear for Shinji most of all. He's not used to feeling happy… I don't think he is used to feeling at all. He's like wood still waiting to burn… and there is so much wood. As for you, I think you feel to much; too much solitude, too much pain. And too much of something can leave you barren. Don't let your emotions burn you to ashes… if you open your eyes to yourself and to life, you'll see what I mean."

He began to walk away from the bed, stepping in front of the door. He turned to the girl before he exited.

"It all comes down to what you decide… but I'm sure he will find life to be the most logical choice."

He exited, the door closing behind him. The surveillance camera turned on again, continuing taping the girl… still closer to death than life.

Although… if you looked closely, you could almost swear her eyes were beginning to get their colour back.

* * *

Kaworu came out of the room and looked at the figure sitting on the bench in front of him. Trapped in his own little world, completely isolated from reality with his SDAT player… was Shinji. The grey haired boy sighed at the sight of his serene face… he could be so beautiful without being aware of it, and Kaworu felt his heart grow light at the thought. He could hear what was playing in his earphones… it was Beethoven's ninth symphony, more specifically the grand choral finale.

_Do you truly like that song so much? Do you really believe in what they are singing; that we can live in world where all men are brothers and share their love freely and joyfully?_

Shinji awoke from his daydreaming and blushed as he saw Kaworu looking intently at him. He took his earphones out and looked back at the red eyes watching him. He felt a lump grow in his throat… he always felt this when he was close to the other boy; it was like he had a thousand things to say to him, but was incapable of telling him all of them at once or simply couldn't remember what they were. He didn't get up, as if something was gluing him to the bench. He tried to speak, his voice shaky and edgy.

"H-how is she?"

Kaworu smiled at the boy's worry and the sorrow reflected in his eyes.

_You believe that it was your entire fault, don't you? I would just need to say it and you'd start trying to make up for it this instant._

"Don't worry, she's fine. It's only a matter of time before she wakes up." He assured the boy.

Shinji's worry didn't go away though, his voice now carrying the burden of guilt along with the sorrow of someone who thought that he had committed the most heinous of crimes.

"Really, are you sure? Is there anything I can do? Did something happen… what are the machines doing? Is everything working well, did I brake something?"

Kaworu came closer to Shinji and sat down by his side, grabbing his hand trying to calm the blue eyed teenager down. Shinji stopped, gasping as his hand was taken into Kaworu's white one. The white skin felt soft; no warm but also not cold as if it had reached a point of balance.

"Shinji…" his tender voice sounded "… calm down. It's not your fault."

"Yes it was!" the answer came out harshly "Of course it was… if I had acted, if I had been the one who fought the angel, who got attacked, Asuka wouldn't be like this!"

Kaworu frowned… it was extremely painful to see this; to see what exactly the consequences of the Angel attacks were. Every human being suffered from their attacks… Shinji most of all.

_Would you have suffered so much if I had attacked you?_

The white haired boy entwined his fingers with the ones in the hand he was holding, trying to comfort the other male. When he felt Shinji trying to take his hand away he squeezed it and said.

"There are many things we wish had been different… even more when we feel we could have done something to prevent them from happening. But you didn't know it was going to happen, therefore there was nothing you could have done. It wasn't your fault Shinji; you didn't attack her… and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it from happening."

"What good does that do to me!" Shinji released his hand from Kaworu's "It doesn't matter! The fact is that she hates me… that she left me! That I'm alone and that I deserve it!"

Kaworu couldn't take it anymore… before the dark haired boy could continue, he threw his arms around him, bringing their bodies into a hug. They stayed like that for a while, Shinji speechless, not knowing what to do.

_Oh my God… oh my God… oh my God…_

It took him a few seconds before he started breathing again… and then it came to him. That smell, it wasn't the perfume the other boy was using, or the shampoo, or the deodorant. He could smell all those things, but they weren't it. It was Kaworu's smell… that intoxicating aroma he had remembered from the day in Kaworu's room. It had come back to haunt him with feelings he wasn't supposed to know, desires he wasn't supposed to crave.

And now, with Kaworu so close, his face next to his, he felt everything stronger than ever… he had to do something.

"Get away… get away from me."

Shinji's voice didn't sound aggressive or demanding… it was more of a pleading tone, as if he was afraid of something. Kaworu heard it and recognized it… it was the sound of someone who was about to get caught.

_You can't run away from yourself forever… and you certainly can't run away from me, Shinji._

"Why do you want me to go away Shinji?"

"Because if we come closer… you will suffer, I will suffer. Everyone who comes close to me ends up going away and I'm left alone. So it's better if I simply stay alone… so I don't have to suffer so much every time it happens."

"Although your choice is a very brave one… it is also impracticable. A human heart was not meant to be alone… especially yours since it's so fragile. You need someone to take care of you heart… or it might break."

Shinji couldn't contain it much longer… his hands wanted to hold Kaworu, wanted to grab him, feel him so close to him. But he couldn't.

"If I give my heart to someone, and that someone abandons it… then it will surely break."

"That won't happen."

"How can you be sure?"

"I can't… all I know is that it is not your choice to refuse if someone wants to share his heart with you, if someone wants to stay close to you. It is the person's choice. And my choice is to stay here… close to you."

It was then that Kaworu's hand came to rest on the back of Shinji's head bringing it closer to him their cheeks rubbing against each other. The dark haired boy tried to understand it… why did Kaworu want this? Why stay close to him? And why did this felt so good?

"Why?" the answer escaped from his lips… as simply as a sigh

Kaworu smiled.

"Because I love you…"

And with that said he planted a kiss in the other boy's cheek… and then another one on his jaw, ending with a final one on the cradle of his neck. Shinji gasped at Kaworu's actions… it went against his every instinct, but he accepted those kisses, as if someone else was controlling him.

"Don't say things when you don't mean them."

Kaworu lifted his head and his red eyes met Shinji's shy blue ones, daring the younger boy to question what he was about to say. He could see the way the way his cheeks were glowing a vivid red shade. His face came closer to Shinji's, their foreheads touching.

"I always mean what I say. Never doubt that."

He kissed Shinji's forehead and returned to his previous position, head resting on the other male's shoulder. The younger boy finally gave up his inner fight… too tired to deny what his body so clearly wanted and needed. He rested his head on Kaworu's elbow as well and allowed his hands to encircle his torso, returning the hug.

_Oh… I almost forgot._

Kaworu's lips approached Shinji's ear and he whispered softly.

"Happy birthday Shinji."

Shinji didn't know how much time passed… but they stayed like that, holding each other until they didn't feel the need. He breathed deeply, letting Kaworu's scent feel his senses as if he was afraid he would never be able to experience it again. In the end, he said as quietly as Kaworu, experiencing this strange intimacy for the first time.

"Thank you."

* * *

Unbeknownst to them a figure watched everything. It was Ayanami Rei… and all she could do was wonder.

_Why did he choose him over me?_

* * *

**A/N: Ah yes… the first little drops of lemon. Well hope you enjoyed this. And if you like reading… you'll love reviewing. Please… it doesn't take that much and it does help my writing.**


	6. Body, Soul

**A/N - **so yah, life has a way of making us leave things behind. It also has a way of bring those things back to us. I will try to explain a little bit better later, perhaps. Thanks for your patience so far, and on with this story!

**Warning - ** Need I say it, shonen-ai. Yes they're here, they're queer and it's AWESOME!

**Disclaimer - **None of the characters are mine and the money I make from this couldn't even feed a very small and full antilope.

* * *

**_Two weeks later_**

The hugeness of the computers was only revealed once inside them. The MAGI system from the outside was quite impressive by itself already. Three huge cubes stoically standing in a silence made of billions of calculating procedures passing between one another each second. It took a machine to reach such a silence.

But inside them, then the true vertigo begun.

_A kingdom in a nutshell…_

Misato stood a few feet above the three computers. She had been inside them.

_And I was actually authorised to._

The computer's had been done in such a way that they would supply two functions: access and archive. Not only were they the final verdict of any operation they were also the compilers of all the information regarding every step that NERV had ever taken or was planning on taking.

Computers cannot forget, which means that data remains undisturbed and will not be shaped into another one. Forgetting is after all not a vanishing act of memories but rather the particular way in which they transmute themselves into an identity. Computer do not have an identity and so they can only erase data.

Only these particular computers were somewhat different.

"My mother realised that there is a difference between instinct and choice."

Misato recalled Ritsuko's explanation

"Instinct was much simpler to explain, it was a mechanism of self-defence and completion. A body has two functions, to sustain and to reproduce - instinct was merely the basic operating system of the body. This meant of course that you could program instinct to the point that a body of data could act on its own, provided we wouldn't confuse it with it having a will of its own."

Dividing the system into three computers assured that a majority would always be reached but it also meant that any attempt at destroying even the smallest part of the massive body of data would always receive the veto of the tri-partide system.

"My mother's final revenge on an organisation such as NERV was a system that would keep track of everything and never let go. An endless, eternal memory of all the horrors that were made and planned, to _save_ humanity. And she decided to give it a survival instinct!"

Ristuko had laughed hard at those words. That had been a week ago, Ristuko had already been locked up in her cell since they had found her to be guilty of the mass destruction of the Rei models.

_Ritsuko, was that your revenge?_

The three cubes loomed in their all recording silence. At the very core of that mechanical abyss lied the brain of their creator calculating at a speed beyond the body she had left behind. It sent shivers over Misato's skin just to think back at that image.

"Whatever it is… it knows what we want to know."

"Do we want to know it?"

Hyuga was standing by her side. Since Kaji's death most of the NERV personnel had created a small fraction of resistance against the general protocols of the direction. Misato and Hyuga ended up being those less concerned with their personal safety although only Misato's reasons for this were apparent.

"Know is not the right word then."

"Need?"

They smirked for a while.

"Yes Hyuga, need. It's already been a month since we've last heard any orders. Something is up, they must be planning something and it must have something to do with that new child. There's one last angel to go but they seem to be arming themselves for something much bigger. We need to know what that is."

"Yes Captain Katsuragi. The Melchior unit seems to be the less protected one since since doctor Akagi's last maintenance check. I will make sure everything is being prepared."

He disappeared into the darkness, continuing his operations. Misato stayed for a few minutes. She was not in a contemplative mood, but she knew that it was just a question of time before she was…

"Misato-san."

_There it is._

She turned towards the voice, her hand descending silently to her holster, taking hold of her gun. She had felt watched since the very beginning and had been preparing for this moment.

"Rei?!"

It wasn't only the blue haired pilot that surprised her but her face.

"I'm sorry for disturbing Misato-san."

She had been used to the new Rei since the battle with the last angel. It was hardest on Shinji to realise he was dealing with a clone of what had been the previous Rei, even harder when he found out the original Rei was a clone from the start. But that is not what disturbed Misato.

"Could you please stop pointing the gun."

Her face.

"I only wish to talk to you."

It was exactly like before, it was capable of showing what seemed impossible in the First child, emotions. In this case her face was slightly twisted in what seemed to be concern. As if Rei had been truly reborn and not cloned.

"I-I'm sorry Rei."

She lowered her gun.

"You had me scared for a minute."

Rei smiled - an even stranger expression.

"I understand. But I really needed to see you."

"What's wrong?"

"I need you to take me to doctor Akagi."

The request managed to make Misato straighten herself.

"Why would you need that?"

Rei's silence made her cringe.

"I want to know about Third Impact and myself."

The answer made her gasp.

* * *

A body is many things, above all the body is a way of constructing reality, of relating to it. It is the origin of all human resources and the most flexible of companions. Shinji knew this half-consciously, he would many times look at his hand wondering how it was capable of so many things, including death.

Synch tests were done for the day and he was walking to the showers. It always felt awkward to get back to normal gravity with his plug-suit on, let alone walking about with his skin sticky from the LCL.

The body can also make itself less than what it is. In times of deep meditation a body can actually make itself seem as if it has evaporated. And in times of war and violence it reduced itself to a certain set of functions. Enough violence and the body could become no more than a tool. Enough violence for enough time the body could become simply a function.

The final row of three angels had taken their toll on Shinji's feeling of self. His body was no more than the vessel of a need to survive and a desire to kill. He would get in and out of his plug-suit, wash the smell of the EVA he had been riding, eat and repeat the procedure for days without end.

But it had been a month now without attacks, in five days it would be the longest time NERV had been without an attack from an angel or even the sighting of one.

But just how many angels were there?

How many were there still left?

These questions would spring in Shinji's mind. Questions he wasn't used to asking and that he was finding harder and harder to dismiss.

Would they come endlessly in rows, stronger and stronger until he would lose everyone around him and eventually himself?

But these questions were mostly an attempt of his mind to retain the feeling of urgency which seemed pointless to Shinji himself with each day of peace. This was because another set of questions started to be stated, questions which ignored violence and though of a world outside of NERV.

Shinji's body was remembering itself. Remembering the playfulness that the senses reach when they're no longer troubled with survival issues. Colours, sounds, smells all of these slowly mingled in a kaleidoscope that became brighter and brighter as the new, calmer routine settled.

Each day Shinji would linger a bit longer in the sun rays, each day his walk from HQ to his house would become a bit longer with detours down greener but less practical roads, each day smiling became simpler.

This however, alerted Shinji to a new dimension that he wasn't so comfortable with. Beyond the body there were other bodies and among these bodies there was a particular body. A body that slowly become more present in his mind, a body which seemed more of a catalyst than a presence, a geography rather than a place. A body that would formulate itself in his dreams and even in the waking hours, in his more private moments.

And so Shinji would always make sure that he would walk a bit faster to the showers after synch tests and count the minutes he spent showering. The showers of NERV with their yellowish light and grey lockers had become a site of confrontation, a dangerous place requiring utmost precision.

And Shinji would scrub off, not too fast, but fast enough for he knew.

_He is coming._

* * *

She wasn't crazy, she knew she wasn't crazy. Her time perception hadn't faded, her actions came to her memory unaltered and her mind was functioning at not too high a speed. She understood the reasons for her being locked up, she knew the destruction of the dolls was at a great cost for NERV and that she had indeed commit a war crime. But she wasn't a murdering blood hungry monster.

The dolls weren't human, she hadn't murdered anything human and you could even dispute the status of the dolls has animals. Cows would have more of an intellect than those she hated them but hate does not make you crazy, it simply makes you act faster.

Too fast perhaps, but not crazy.

And if she was crazy

_It's because I'm friggin' trapped in this doghouse cell!_

Ristuko Akagi punched the wall she had been leaning on. She jumped as the door next to her slid as if answering her punch. She hated being surprised by the door, it meant at least a minute of blindness before she got used to the light.

"Who is it?"

She asked in the calm tone she used to purposefully show how sane she was.

"It's me."

There were only three people who would answer like that to her question - one was dead and another would be if he ever got near to her again. She relaxed when realising it was the third.

"Misato. What are you doing here?"

"Someone needed to see you."

Misato's tone revealed a strange mix of concern and guilt. She quickly understood why once she heard a second voice coming from the open door.

"I'm very sorry doctor Akagi but I need to speak to you."

"I told you I didn't want to see her ever again, Misato!"

"I know that, you made it quite clear…"

"But I am not them, Ritsuko."

There was a pause between the three women. Ristuko didn't care she was blind, she didn't need to see to realise something had happened with Rei.

"Misato. Leave us alone."

"But I..."

"Misato, please, for me. Leaves us alone and don't try to hear inside."

"Whatever you have to say I can…"

"Misato!"

There was no more arguing. The blue haired women grumbled a bit and almost immediately letting the door slide shut behind her. Ristuko and Rei were left alone, hearing rather than looking at each other.

"I need to know Adam's location."

Rei jumped to the point.

"If Misato hears this…"

"I have secured the cell with an AT field. This conversation is only between the two of us."

Ritsuko gasped.

"So, you have become her!"

"Yes and no… I am still myself."

"Who?"

"Everyone."

The older woman felt her voice tremble as she let the name escape her mouth.

"Yui?"

"Yes."

* * *

The body is many things, above all the body is a garden.

To have a body is to be intrinsically connected with life and its flows. To know the world exists beyond proof, to know the skin as your limits, to have time flow through you. A body is an interruption of eternity, the most beautiful thing that could occur. The body is the possibility of an exterior, of other bodies and thus, the possibility of desire.

_Father loves but he doesn't desire. Father doesn't know love._

Kaworu would spend hours amazed at this thing that was the body. Even after 16 years he could not stop being amazed. How it grew, how it obeyed his orders yet always managing to escape his will. The body is the garden of the soul, it exists far beyond the parts of it the soul decides to explore. Each new flavour he would taste was a testament to his ignorance, each new shade of a colour, of a sound.

Even as an eternal angel Kaworu would wonder how his body would constantly reveal the infinity of knowledge that could not be comprised even in an absolute eye.

_No wonder father created the Lillim._

And masturbation… god masturbation was amazing! He was surprised that no one had talked about it, they even seemed adamant in the labs when he tried to retell his chance discovery. The reality of the bodies seemed to be something that science had only a partial interest in. It described things very much the same way a divine will would, within a plan of knowledge fully coherent with itself. So he was left alone to wonder, never fully convinced by the answers he would received.

So he turned to books and the internet as he normally did and was very happy to realise the extensive catalog of articles and works relating to the many possibilities of the body and its encounter with others. Sex, romance, love, and many others including some darker fields Kaworu had to admit did not interest him that much.

And then he met Shinji and many of the passages he had read without understanding suddenly started making sense. It was as if a class of writers had dedicated themselves to creating works whose final meanings only living could unlock - they were called poets.

_But now he won't even look at me._

This of course brought him to another set of feelings and possibilities, he, as an angel, could never have dreamed up. Impatience was perhaps one of the most striking, dazed and confuse were quite high on the list. These were things Kaworu was not used to, even after a month of living in NERV.

It had been easier to get closer to Shinji at first, he had been wounded and was in dire need of company but now as he regained strength and trust in himself they had begun to fall apart. Well that wasn't true since they still spent most of their time together just that strange barriers had begun to lift themselves.

_Stronger than my AT-field..._

Ah yes, irritation was one of the unexpected new comers to the pallet of emotions.

Truth was that for at least two weeks now Shinji seemed to make it a point to not involve himself in any possible physical way with Kaworu. He would blush at a brush of their skin, would cringe at hugs and would actually jump when Kaworu would try to hold his hand. A new extreme had been reached when since last week Shinji had decided to hurry his shower after synch test, leaving Kaworu to find himself already fully dressed and leaving the showers even before he managed to take his plug-suit out.

_Well, we'll see about that._

And irritation was one of those little keys to a whole range of possibilities the body doesn't even suspect.

_It's like they're using sign language in there!_

Misato sighed and gave up her crouching position, accepting she would not manage to hear a thing no matter how much equipment she tried to press against the solid metal door. Just as she was straightening herself a hurried plug-suit wearing boy passed her by, a determinate expression in his face.

_He has changed a bit…_

She watched as the grey-haired fifth child hurried down the halls towards the showers. It had always seemed bizarre to keep Ritsuko so close to EVA units but they still needed her to perform maintenance now and again, although under strict surveillance.

_First him, then Ritsuko and now Rei… too many questions._

Whatever was happening, she hoped Hyuga managed to find an opening in the MAGI system.

Shinji was about to apply the second layer of soap (LCL took a while to leave the body) when the sound of the door to the showers sliding open made him jump.

"Shinji-kun?"

The question came even before the wet boy had time to get nervous.

"Y-yes, Kaworu-kun, I'm here showering."

"Ah, good."

Shinji began to frantically apply the soap as fast he could as he heard the sound of Kaworu's plug-suit inflate.

_I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I need to get dressed before I run away._

He gave up on trying to get rid of the LCL and tried to rinse his hair as fast he could, if he was fast enough he would manage to...

"Could I borrow some soap?"

And then Kaworu (somewhat oblivious to the unwritten rules of subtlety) was inside his stall completely naked, the smell of LCL mixing with the soap scented mist of the hot water.

"I-I…"

Shinji realised he had pressed his back against one of the stalls, he also realised he probably had a strange expression on because Kaworu's face had turned from the usual playful smirk to a more concerned one.

"Is everything alright?"

The red eyed youth tried to come a bit closer, his body walking into the jet of warm water. His hair arranged the grey bangs that had now fallen on top of his eyes only to find Shinji's blue eyes were even wider and erratic than before.

_Don't stare, don't look, don't blink… wait, blink! Blinking is normal!_

"Is everything alright Shinji? You look a bit…"

_Terrified?!_

_"… _concerned."

He tried to stop the conversation by grabbing the soap bottle and presenting it to the, now quite wet pilot. He looked down, or at least tried to look in any direction where he would not catch a glimpse of skin or eyes or...

"Here you go!"

_Try to sound cheerful… try to sound cheerful but not murdery cheerful._

Kaworu took the soap.

"Thank you."

And then Shinji realised he didn't hear any steps walking away. He looked up and found Kaworu still in the stall fully frontally (and nudely) looking at him. He knew he was blushing he was kind of used to it, what he wasn't used to was the fact that Kaworu seemed to be blushing as well. He told himself it was the hot water.

"There is something wrong, isn't there?"

"I don't know what you're talking about"

Shinji turned his back to Kaworu trying to finish his shower, and trying not to think he had just turned his back to Kaworu.

"You've been avoiding me."

"What are you t-talking about, we spent so much time together, I don't have anyone else to talk to besides you."

"No, Shinji, you've been avoiding **me.**"

And when the older boy stressed that word he took three more steps towards him, now both completely under the water jet and…

_That's it!_

Shinji felt he had rinsed enough and he knocked and brushed against Kaworu on the way out of his stall.

"Sorry Kaworu-kun, I'm in a bit of a hurry."

He went as fast as possible without running to get his towel.

"So there is something wrong."

"I still don't know what you're talking about."

"You won't let me get close to you."

"Well not when I'm showering."

He tried to dry himself as he kept his tone as calm_ - yeah right - _as possible.

"Do I repulse you?"

"NO!"

_Well, that was a fast answer._

Shinji sighed and tried to answer calmly.

"Look I just feel weird sometimes."

"What changed?"

"I'm trying to settle."

"Into what?"

"Us…"

He didn't want to use that word but out it went floating in the silence between them.

_I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away… I'm still naked, I mustn't run away yet._

Shinji started to put on his pants and shirt when Kaworu walked towards him again, at a fast pace.

"But you won't even let me touch you."

"Stop!"

He did.

"Look, you just don't know what it means to me. This, y-you…" he tried to point in his general direction "the touching, the closeness. You don't know what it means."

And with saying this he grabbed his bag from the locker and left, the door sliding behind him. Kaworu stood there, the smirk back in his face where it belonged. He sighed in relief, finally knowing what was the problem. And whatever it was it could wait until he had showered.

* * *

"So Gendo has it."

"He implanted it in his hand, that's the reason for the gloves. He's planning to use it soon."

"And SEELE and the JSSDF know this."

"They have been preparing the mass produced EVA for this event."

"Does Gendo know this?"

"Yes."

There was silence for the first time in the room in the last minutes. Rei would not stop the barrage of questions which Ristuko answered diligently, without offering the slightest resistance.

"So he actually _wants_ Instrumentality to happen."

There was a strange tone in her voice, a mix of sadness and disappointment.

"He wants Yui back… he thinks he will manage that with Instrumentality."

"So he needs me to complete it."

"Can you stop him?"

This was the first time Ritsuko asked something. She could hear herself pleading for an answer.

"I don't think he will manage to start it even."

"So it is true, you are her!"

"Yes and no… I've already told you."

There was a pause and Rei started walking to the door.

"I think I need to leave."

"Yes."

The blue haired girl turned to the scientist.

"He will come for you first."

"Yes, I imagined he would."

"Try to protect herself."

"I don't know if I want to."

"You should."

Ritsuko felt Rei coming close to her and dropping something in her hand. It was a revolver. The door slid open blinding the two female with light.

* * *

The last angel walked to his bedroom. It was the strange quality of sentences such as these that made Kaworu chuckle to himself on his way out of NERV HQ. He was cheerful now, at least he though he didn't have a reason to worry anymore.

He had changed a lot since arriving at Tokyo-3 and meeting Shinji. He realised this from the way he had become accustomed to being surprised. It wasn't that he expected the surprises, only that he had become more aware of their possibility. The world was a far more complicated equation than he could understand, and this in a way warmed him to this life. A life that supplied moments proving him wrong but in a way that made him want to be wrong all the time.

Moments such as this.

_Shinji-kun_

The dark haired boy was there, right next to the door of the small room his body slumped against the rails of the building looking out into the rest of the city. He didn't notice Kaworu arrive, and the grey haired boy wondered if he should make himself heard.

This was eternity, not being trapped in a divine state of surveillance, but this. To exist in a moment, conscious that it will be gone but certain that somewhere, somehow, it will remain eternal.

"I would have come sooner if I'd known you were waiting."

He would never grow bored of Shinji's surprised reaction, he smiled as the blush regained its more vivid colour of his face.

"K-Kaworu-kun."

How could he describe this boy, he wondered. So strong and so weak, no… he was strong because he allowed himself to be weak. If only he could give him that space no matter where or when, a space for Shinji to not be afraid.

"You wanted to talk?"

"Y-yes." Shinji swallowed "I wanted to apologise for what happened back there and…"

"Yes?"

The sound of Shinji's voice, the way his body moved with his voice, his face, his hands clasping the fabric of his pants - a mixture of shyness and determined courage.

"To explain."

"There is nothing you need to explain."

"Yes there is."

Or perhaps it wasn't just a place to be weak Shinji wanted from him.

"I have to explain, because you don't repulse me and I haven't stopped wanting to be with you. It's just that, this normally doesn't go well."

"You've told me so, yes."

Little by little Kaworu started to cross the distance between them.

"Normally either people go away or they die or an angel comes and destroys everything."

"We cannot control that, tragedy is not in our power. We only control those moments which are ours completely."

"Yes, but the problem is that this is one of those moments."

Red eyes paused, puzzled and waiting for the explanation to continued.

"I-I've had friends before. I really did and they were really great and I felt really happy with them, even Asuka. Things went right and wrong but they never stopped being, and we never stopped being friends at least until something horrible happened to us. But now it has been a long time since we've had attacks."

Kaworu forced himself not to assure the younger boy it would stay that way.

"We even stopped having orders from higher up and it doesn't seem like there are any operations planned so we might actually stay like this for a while. But I'm afraid that I'm not like I was back then, that this is not the same to me. Not like with Touji or Kensuke or Misato… I can actually ruin this by myself."

"Shinji I don't think you can even if you…

He was already next to the boy, his arm coming to rest on his shoulder.

"Please stop!"

A group of birds flew past the building.

"Please, Kaworu, don't be always like that. I know I am weak and so these things you do and tell me, they are kind, you are so kind but you are strong and I don't know how to be kind to you, what to tell you, what to do with myself. You say you love me and it's easy for you to say that because it's obvious I need to hear it. But I also want to hear it, more than need I want you to tell me those things and I want, I'm trying…"

"Shinji-kun…"

"I'm trying to say I'm in love with you."

Kaworu waited a few seconds, he wanted to savour that moment, the way the sun would hit him, the sound of the birds drifting away, the blueness of the sky.

_Just a little more, please father, just an infinite little more._

"Kaworu-kun?"

The white haired boy looked at the pair of eyes looking slightly up. He couldn't stop smirking and he knew that he was being a bit mean with that silence. But Shinji was strong, he deserved to be treated in that way. So he kept quiet, coming closer and closer, letting Shinji put himself against the wall. He brought his two arms against the wall on either side of the smaller boy, trapping him with his smile. Even closer, just to see if Shinji could get redder in his face.

_Maybe that's enough._

"Shinji-kun."

"Y-yes."

"I'm going to kiss you now."

And he did. Their lips met and they kissed. A tender first kiss, one in which you couldn't tell who was being shy. Not too long, but still enough for both to inhale and exhale together letting their hearts race together a bit. Kaworu withdrew slowly smiling.

"I love…"

Before he could finish Shinji's hand extended, one around Kaworu's waist and the other grabbing hold of his hair bringing him close again. And the kiss wasn't so shy anymore, or better, the kisses. They lost count after a few minutes, arms holding each other, pausing from time to time to catch each others scent.

"Shinji."

Kaworu tried to get a sentence between the kisses.

"Do you want to come in."

And Shinji's courage was exhausted for the time being.

_Run away!_

"Actually, Kaworu-kun…" he slipped from their hold starting to go to the stairs "… I was wondering if we could take a walk."

And grabbing Kaworu's hand, he lead them into the exit of the building. The rebuilding of the Geo-Front was almost complete and the soil was good again for work and growing watermelons.

* * *

The door slid shut behind Rei as she came out.

"Thank you so much Misato-san. I need to go now."

And before Misato could do anything she went down the hallway, with a speed that was strange since she wasn't running.

"Hey! Wait!"

But before she could start going in her direction she was surprised by Hyuga running to her.

"Misato-san!"

"Hyuga, what's wrong?"

The man stopped near her, trying to catch his breath.

"Misato-san quick, you need to come. It's the Second Child! Asuka, she's awake!"

* * *

**A/N - To those who have stuck with the story, thank you for your patience. Your words of encouragement were what kept this story from falling into oblivion. I admit the tone of the writing will have changed and I will try to make characters a little less one-dimensional, but hey! It's been years, some things have to change.**

**Read and review if you've enjoyed (or otherwise, I can take criticism, hehe)**


	7. Inevitability Causality

**A/N -** So for the purpose of me not ditching this story again when times get a bit tough I have decided to go with smaller but more regular chapters. Hope that's alright with everyone.

**Warning - **In a chapter or two there is the distinct possibility that the rating of this story will be pumped to M (some interesting possibilities in my little imagination)

**Disclaimer - **Alas, these creatures of fiction are not mine. Yet, I am theirs.

_"You could be less of a drama queen..."_

Shut up Asuka!

* * *

_5 days later_

"You will lose in five moves."

The dark bishop made its trajectory while the sentence was uttered. The calm voice of Fuyutsuki had a faint mix of entertainment and self-cajoling. His preferred game was shogi but due to Gendo's particular tastes (aka - hating any game he didn't have a chance of winning) he accepted the change to the western version even though he only knew the bare minimum at the beginning.

_And even so._

He would have chuckled at the situation in his younger years. But at the same time, Gendo was not the kind of man you would feel comfortable chuckling with. NERV's director arranged his sunglasses and moved his attention from the dossier he was reading to the small marble board.

"I see..."

Definitely no chuckling.

"You never seem to give the game enough attention."

"I do my best, but there are many games."

He pointed at the small pile of briefs and documents standing by his side.

"You would think we'd be a bit freer once the attacks lessened."

Indeed it had already happened once before. Today marked the day this relatively peaceful period outlived the previous one between the seventh and the eighth angels. However, with the ceasing of attacks also came a sudden silence of any directives from SEELE. More so, it seemed that all of SEELE's communication with the outside had been interrupted. This meant that it was up to NERV, in particular commander Ikari to take over matter with suppliers, private scientific organisation and laboratories, committees and reports from distinct countries and financial groups, etc.

"Hmmm"

Gendo had become even harder to talk to with the higher workload. He didn't even contemplate Fuyutsuki's attempt at small talk with an answer. His eyes were focused on the board, measuring distances and possible moves that might have been overlooked.

It was only then that Fuyutsuki paid attention to the dossier his superior was holding. He was surprised to find in the file the esoteric logo of SEELE, which he hadn't seen for over a four weeks.

"Has SEELE finally contacted us?!" he could not hold the excitement in his voice.

"Five moves indeed."

"What?"

Only then Gendo's eyes left the board and met those of the older man.

"You have me in five moves."

"Yes, I know that."

He calmed himself down and tried to pick up the question of the dossier.

"So SEELE has contacted us at last."

"Yes, it seems so."

"Any orders?"

A strange silence settled between the two men. The sun was starting to set outside and a yellowish colour seeped in from the thin long windows of the huge office which held NERV's directors.

"One… and then I'm off."

"What do you mean you're off."

"I mean it is time."

The white haired man trembled at the sentence.

"Now?! But then we must get the pilots ready! Has the JSSDF done any move?"

There was a chuckle from Gendo, but not from his person. It was as if the chuckle came from something very heavy and tired... his shadow perhaps.

"No my old friend. It's too late for that."

"But then…"

"It's simply time."

He got up and started in the direction of the door. He stopped mid-way though, walked back to where he was standing, moved his remaining horse on the board, and then left.

"Gendo!"

It was too late, the door had already slid shut. He looked at the board and realised what his superior had just done. In one move he assured that Fuyutsuki would claim checkmate in his next turn. It was the closest thing to suicide.

_He could have just quit._

Ikari had left the dossier on the table. The old man took the opportunity to take a sneak peek but froze with the first picture he saw. In the green blur of a security camera, piles of dust stood in a circle. At the centre of this circle there was another pile - this one of bones - on top of a wheelchair.

* * *

The wet smell of the soil mixed with the first sprouting vegetables. The fields of the Geo-front were finally green again after the attack of the 15th angel. Forces which would normally be used in the fight and maintenance of the weapons against the angels found a new reason of being in helping the fields recover their appearance. Shinji cleaned his forehead and stood up from his crouching position. He looked over at Kaworu, by his side, helping with the weeding of the tomato patch.

"Maybe we could used the EVA units to spread seeds more quickly."

Kaworu laughed hard at that and got up as well.

"Hey I was serious!"

The pout, the pout was definitely irresistible. He always felt the urge to hug Shinji in these moments he actually stopped being self-conscious.

_Simply too beautiful._

"Hey, Kaworu-kun, I was really serious!"

After a bit of squirming the younger boy managed to escape from the other's embrace but not without a kiss being stolen, making him blush.

"I know you are" Kaworu tried to assure him "but you can imagine the costs of five minutes of that kind of work."

It was true, the energy required by the EVA-unit alone was enough to power the whole of Japan for five months. Five months for five minutes and with so very little fuel resources left in the planet. They had been trying to find a way to extract energy from the remains of the Second Impact but the amount of pollution and the risk of further contaminating the world meant that this was considered a very last resource.

"I just though it would be nice to use it for something new."

"Some machines are only meant for war."

"But what if the war ends?"

Kaworu's faced turned serious suddenly, almost sad.

"I would be very happy. Wouldn't you? Happy and scary at the same time."

"Scary?"

"Well, what would we go back to? I means what sort of life would be waiting for us?"

Shinji stopped at that moment and pondered.

"Well I guess I would finish my studies, go back to my tutor."

And then he noticed a strange shadow taking over the pale boy's eyes.

"Did you have a place where you were before piloting the EVA?"

"One of SEELE's bases where I was trained to be a pilot."

Then it struck Shinji, the fact he so many times forgot - of the Children only he and Touji had been unplanned pilots. He tried not to think of Touji, he rather focused on Kaworu. They were rare these moments in which his (boy?)friend would seem disturbed. A disturbing urge to grab him right then at that moment, to try and bring back that relaxed yet agile vibration that Kaworu's released most times.

He didn't know if to dislike or treasure those moments. Much of Kaworu's life seemed shrouded in mystery, a feeling enhanced by the distance he showed to most things. But times like this showed that even that was changing.

_Ever since we met._

The lightness in his chest when he thought that thought grew stronger each day.

"Don't worry, we will find something together."

Kaworu looked at Shinji. He had to suppress the urge to jump on him and cover his body with kisses, sometimes. Well, most of the times. He was planning on at least getting another kiss when he noticed a shadow getting closer to them. Shinji froze.

"Father…"

And yet again somewhere, where time and space do not necessarily make sense, a figure stirred with a bit more than neutral omniscience. You could almost hear it grumble.

All around the figure stood silent orbs of different colors, each portraying a future possibility, or a possible future. In each orb different sceneries and faces flickered past. They spread endlessly into the void giving the impression of a too coloured starry sky. Connecting these diverging realities were small lines of light. The lines intersected each other in networks that would spread to different orbs connected to different networks and so on until infinity. The lines of light and the orbs would flash and glow brighter for an instant and the brightness would travel across the whole of the scenery like a surface of water.

One network in particular had been glowing for a long time now. The figure moved closer to it, inspecting each of the orbs. There was a sigh and actual grumbling this time. A hand grabbed one of the flickering lines and tucked it gently.

_It's like I'm a walking plot twist..._

* * *

Gendo Ikari walked away from his son. He had no time for him, he had never had time for him, especially now.

It came as a surprise, when he first realised that it would probably have been best that Shinji would never have met him. Probably it was after Shinji's battle agains his second angel, the look in his son's face even days after the battle. It filled with a sense of dread that translated in to this single whispered thought. The possibility that he, Gendo, would never have contact with his child. Shinji would live his life free from any trauma inflicted by the few times they had crossed paths.

The feeling grew stronger and stronger to the point that every time he would see his son a mirror image, this one free of his father's presence, would appear besides the terrified child. Each day he would swallow the feeling and rub the mirror image out of his vision. After all, instrumentality would negate such alternative universes since all of them would coexist at the same time in the same being.

To return humanity to the pre-subjective oneness. An abyss of light and mild temperatures, the tender enrapture of the other, the absolute tranquility located at the excess of ecstasy. To end desire, to end lack and thus to end all the pain humans caused each other. That was the project and, for that project, Gendo would ignore the creeping feeling that…

_It would have been best if I had died… _

But now a strange thing occurred. For the past few weeks Shinji had a glow in his face. His whole body exuded a certain unconsciousness that he had never seen in the boy before. Of course he knew that the catalyst for this change was the Fifth Child. He had, after all, been trained precisely to seduce and seem dependable to his son. But then the attack never happened, SEELE went quiet and the final angel just stayed there by his son.

And now each time that he would cross Shinji's path he noticed how, even if he would show signs of fear and resentment, there would be a glint in his eye. A new strength, no, not new… a nurtured strength grew in his son. The glint in his eyes, Gendo recognised what it was.

He had seen it in Yui's eyes each and everyday they had shared together.

The glint of hope, of certainty, of knowing there is a future.

He sighed and sat himself down in one of the benches close to the entrance of HQ. He opened the briefcase he had been carrying and looked inside. He smiled at the red glow that escaped the case. Perhaps Shinji was given the chance of one day being happy… but his task was greater than that.

Happiness only existed because of the interminable layers of pain that made up existence. Gendo was also aware of a future, he knew it existed. He hated that future.

* * *

Ayanami Rei stopped in the middle of the stairs she was ascending and looked around. A train passed close to her causing a flock of seagulls to fly away, sqwaking.

"It's time."

* * *

**A/N - **So I really want to take this story to its end. The plans are there all I need now is the time to actually finish it. I will organize the chapters now as a cliffhanger/resolution alternation. This one is a cliffhanger... I promise I'll deliver the next one soon! R

Read and review guys. :)


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